Jaybizzness.

Softening.

2011-03-04T14:01:00.008-05:00

Matt Pierce sounds like Stephen Stills.

At least, I got that feeling and told him so. And I wondered, "Is that right, is Stephen Stills the person I'm thinking of?"

So I went to YouTube, and started listening to Stephen Stills. Yes, Stephen Stills is the person I was thinking of. And Yes, Matt Pierce indeed does recall Stephen Stills for me in a few of his songs. Of course, I started clicking through. To Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. And Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

Jeez, are they good.

But I could hardly make it through a video.

"You...who are on the road...must have a code...that you can live by..."
Tears. Click.

"When you were young and on your own...How did it feel to be alone..."
Tears. Click.

They did a jaw-dropping cover of The Beatles' Blackbird. The harmonies therein are mighty. Didn't make it through that either.

The tears are not a problem, except I'm at work. In an open-plan office. Thank god, it's dark and almost empty.

When I was a freshman in high school, I was on a camping trip, in a parked van with some classmates. Atlantic Starr's "My First Love" came on the radio, and a guy nearly fell over himself (and a few other people) escaping the van. Later, I asked him why. He said that song reminded him of an old girlfriend and he couldn't listen to it anymore. At the time, I thought this curious, even a bit silly. "It's just a song," I thought.

I get it now. I *so* get it now. Music is wrecking me these days in ways that it never has, ever. The songs aren't even ones to which I've had previous emotional connections (e.g., my Elton John episode the other day). It's happening in the weirdest places, and at the most inconvenient times. Wherever I am, I'm just a step or two away from re-experiencing a wound. Or maybe, experiencing a wound for the first time.

I feel like this sometimes:
That the world must be softening me for something.
Something good, I hope.
(Or, at least, something interesting.)

(I did make it through the CS&N Woodstock performance of Judy Blue Eyes here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzF_MoXOU1E
Someone wrote: "no auto tune there my brothers and sisters...." This made me smile.)

Lines for Winter.

2011-03-02T16:16:00.001-05:00

From Jonathan Carroll's blog:

Lines for Winter

Tell yourself
as it gets cold and gray falls from the air
that you will go on
walking, hearing
the same tune no matter where
you find yourself—
inside the dome of dark
or under the cracking white
of the moon’s gaze in a valley of snow.
Tonight as it gets cold
tell yourself
what you know, which is nothing
but the tune your bones play
as you keep going. And you will be able
for once to lie down under the small fire
of winter stars.
And if it happens that you cannot
go on or turn back
and you find yourself
where you will be at the end,
tell yourself
in that final flowing of cold through your limbs
that you love what you are."

-Mark Strand

FAWM 2011 Recap.

2011-03-01T16:46:00.008-05:00

It’s nearly 5pm on March 1st and I’m wiped out. But I feel like saying some stuff about FAWM, before I forget it.

I am grateful to FAWM this year for being a welcome distraction from the emotional stresses I was under at the beginning of the month. Even though I do write and play in the “off season,” it had been a long time since I had done either.

And it was satisfying enough to be writing again in a focused way. But I was feeling quite lonely in my FAWM. And then I called Errol on the radio show. We had a grand ole time talking, and I also got a taste of all the great music I hadn’t had the time/mental space to start checking out. Things turned around for me at that point, when I remembered my place in the community.

Any FAWMlings reading this, this is the best I can tell you: Sure, writing on your own is important, getting to 14 is (kind of, if you want it to be) important, but the heart of FAWM is in these things:
Forum,
Chat Room,
Radio Show,
Skirmishes,
Commenting on other people’s songs.

Acknowledge yourself, a sparkling droplet of water in an ocean of musical brilliance. Dive into the community and it WILL hold you up.

I ended up with 16 songs, the highest number of songs I’ve achieved since I started FAWMing in 2007. (I think.) Got to do a most excellent collaboration with The Cow Exchange, one of my favorite humans. In an unexpected bit of awesome, a supremely talented, first-rate, large-hearted person donated to give me my rock hand. With me in my current precarious work situation, his generosity was more appreciated than I’ll ever be able to tell him in words.

The FAWM shenanigans were fantastic as usual, including the metal take on the whole boy/girl-band explosion from a couple of years ago. There was also a country song about a guy coming on to a dentist, a burst of lyrical cleverness. Fun. And: Sleepient Napwork wins the whole Internet. (A brilliant collective effort; FawmToronto is not messing around.)

So how did I do on my personal goals?

Shall I take them one by one?:

*********Overall, I’m looking to simplify. Musically, lyrically, process-wise, all of it.
Did I manage to do this? Heck, I don’t know.

The time from turning-on-the-computer to recording-the-song seems to have been minimized. There weren’t many technical issues once I got everything up and running, but I also know for a fact that I’m not using my equipment as fully as I could…And, my live guitar sounds feel muddier this year. Grr. Need to figure that out. (someone told me I have noisy preamps…) Could also learn a little more about EQing. In the past it was customary for me to boost low end on EVERYTHING, because that makes the sound louder in my headphones. But, I’m thinking it also makes the signal muddier, so I stopped doing that about a week ago.

*********I’d like to record at least two songs that feature piano. The piano freaks me out. Would like to get over that a bit.
This did not happen.
I did write a song on piano that didn’t end up making it (see below).
And I did end up adding piano to one of the songs.
Need to work on this goal.

*********Participate in at least two skirmishes, and do what I need to do in the allotted time. The shortest amount of time I’ve been able to manage thus far is two hours.
I am becoming a big believer in skirmishes. I never thought this would happen.

Skirmishes make me physically queasy. I’m in a high state of insecurity/anxiety for the whole hour, and this has a weird physical effect on me. But skirmishes do something beautiful by removing the time I usually spend hemming and hawing over songs. There’s no time to question my decisions.

I stayed away from them for most of the month. Saw the titles chosen and thought “I’d never be able to do anything with that…” But I threw myself into the breach in the last couple of days and did end up participating in two. I did, pretty much, stay within the hour time allotment. That feels huge. And you know what? I don’t hate the songs!

*********I’d also like to write a I - V - vi – IV song, just ‘cause.
I’ll tell you a secret: I did this. Gave myself the goal of writing the easiest, cheesiest thing I could think of, using the Four Chords to Rule the World (that’s Jodes’ terminology). And, I wrote a song. On piano, even. It was SO cheesy that there was no way I could inflict that song upon my FAWM compatriots in good conscience.

*********And for extra credit, I’d like to demo the three songs from last year that I finished writing, but did not post recordings for.
No dice. Couldn’t even get near it.
And that’s a lesson for me: From here on out, all FAWM songs will be recorded during FAWM. There’s very little chance I’ll get back to it later.

Key Takeaway 1: Leave Room For The Unexpected And The Unknown.
I’m a listmaker, a planner in the extreme. I’d made several lists of the exact FAWM songs I wanted to achieve for the month. About a week in, I realized that that kind of micromanagement is not going to do for February anymore. Case in point: my final FAWM song, “Folly.”

When the Week 4 “Through-Composed” challenge was issued, I was interested right away. Had an entirely different (complete, old) lyric slated, and a different, ready made musical bed. But I felt a little dead inside, just carrying out (my own) orders. I wanted to feel a little more inspired. Threw the old ideas away on the morning of the last day, and started from scratch, keeping the challenge goal in mind.

“Folly” was born entirely in the last 20 or so hours of FAWM. Nearly blew a fuse shuffling lyric lines around, figuring out different guitar bits. Harmonically, this song is more varied than anything I usually do under my own steam. I think it contains my highest recorded vocal notes. (I mostly sing in my head while I’m writing, so when I went to sing “Folly” into a mic, I realized the part was WAY too high for me to deliver comfortably. So I delivered it uncomfortably.) Mentally, I did more work on that last day than any day I can remember. And I like the way it turned out.

Creating something from nothing (no thing) is important. And necessary. It reminds me that 1, I can do that, and 2, Occasionally, good things result.

Key Takeaway 2: The Lyrics Are Always Worth One More Look.
Normally, I put a lot of stock in my words. Earlier in the month I wrote that FAWM songs generally feel throwaway to me. Because of how quickly one has to work, I’ve been okay with putting down first-off lyric ideas. But I figured out this month that there’s always lyric sweetening that can be done. And the sweetening makes the songs feel less disposable.

So I got things still to work on: Playing piano. Getting better sounds. I also need new guitar chords – I fall back too much on E minor. It would be great to collect some new instruments (including a ukulele, apparently).

Don’t want to dwell on that stuff, though. There's a higher proportion of songs I wrote in February that I'm getting enjoyment out of listening to, even now. That's unusual.

It was a great FAWM, yes indeed. I’ll be on the site listening daily, at least through March.

Right now I want a nap.

FAWM. Day 28. Still One More.

2011-02-28T17:52:00.002-05:00

Have been working on a song all day.

Still not finished.

Am exhausted.

Skirmish in 7 min.

Hopefully that will do it, can finish the other thing later.

Am waking up from a nap, having trouble putting subjects in my sentences.

Hopefully my next note will be that I'm done...

FAWM. Day 28. One More.

2011-02-28T00:43:00.003-05:00

One more.

I'm headed to bed at nearly 4am on the day.

One more song left.

One.

FAWM. Day 27. Three More.

2011-02-27T19:37:00.003-05:00

I'm at 11. Three more.

I'm hungry, but I just ate.

I think my body is balking at the effort that this evening will require.

I have been in worse positions, though.

Perhaps more caffeine is required.

Spent some quality time in the chat room this afternoon. I should have done more of that this month.

Okay, enough stalling. Off I go.

FAWM. Day 27. SO MUCH to do today.

2011-02-27T10:05:00.003-05:00

It's just gone 10am here.

Just made myself a healthy breakfast. SO much to do today.

Five songs left. TWO collabs in the works.

I'll check in later. Want to achieve a few things before the songskirmish. It was my goal to do two, I suppose I should get at least one in. I haven't traditionally been good at doing things in a short amount of time.

Bringing it on home.

FAWM. Day 26. Technical Difficulties.

2011-02-26T10:19:00.004-05:00

Last night I was beset by technical difficulties that prevented me from finishing the song I was working on.

A friend tried to help me out. My poor friend. I send him tracks and am constantly exposing the "not rightness" of my recording methods.

(At least I'm using the colors now, friend. I learned from the last time you had to help me.)

Anyway, he pointed out a few things and now things seem to be okay.

No sleep until I'm done with the next four.

FAWM. Day 25. Strong Words. Weak Words.

2011-02-25T15:18:00.004-05:00

Today is a day when words are flying in out of nowhere to stab me in the spine. Here are just a few.

From Middlemarch:

"Marriage is so unlike everything else.
There’s something awful in the nearness it brings.
Even if we loved someone else better than
Those we were married to
It would be no use.
I know it may be very dear,
But it murders our marriage.
And then our marriage always stays with us
Like a murder.
And we are weak."

From Jonathan Carroll's blog:

CUTTING LOOSE

Sometimes from sorrow, for no reason,
you sing. For no reason, you accept
the way of being lost, cutting loose from all else and electing a world where you go
where you want to.

Arbitrary, sound comes, a reminder
that a steady center is holding
all else. If you listen, that sound will tell where it is, and you can slide your way past trouble.

Certain twisted monsters
always bar the path—but that’s when you get going best, glad to be lost, learning how real it is
here on the earth, again and again.

~William Stafford

(I don't know *where* Jonathan Carroll finds his gems; at least twice a month I find myself sobbing from the beauty of the things he posts.)

These beautiful words make me sad that I'm going to have to say "okay" to some weak lyrics. There are only a few days left to FAWM, and I'm going to have to start finishing, no matter how unhappy I am with the words.

Breathe in, breathe out. Get on with it.

I got rejected today. It's a little twinge, not a big one.

There are still many, many things to be done. Going to practice saying hello to strangers.

FAWM. Day 24. Crap.

2011-02-24T23:09:00.002-05:00

Argh.

Drat.

Frig.

There's this one song, see. I have two verses that I'm really happy with. But it needs a prechorus/chorusy refrainy bit. Something to tie it all together.

I was most worried about getting the percussion right (this song is closely modeled on another that has SLAMMIN' percussion). After three hours tinkering around with drums, the percussion is just about there.

Now I just need a *song* now to sing over it.

This is so frustrating.

There are still SEVEN to go!!!!

And I might be called in to work tomorrow.

Today it started to bother me that I haven't written a strummy song at all this year. I don't write strummy songs usually, I must admit. I get a little strummy song envy when I hear people's well-executed strummy songs.

Walked around all day with words written on my arm, a particularly insightful piece of criticism posted on the boards that I wanted to have with me at all times. I wrote it in Sharpie over most of my forearm.

Heh heh, work will be interesting tomorrow.

FAWM. Day 24. Preamble.

2011-02-24T05:02:00.004-05:00

It's 5am.

I am too restless to sleep. Too groggy to get up and do something.

Listening to hysterical British women in a BBC drama.

There was a battle at a mill!

And an envoy with a note at the door...

A good friend of mine is completing her first album project. I am so, so proud of her.

So, so proud.

FAWM. Day 23. Unhemmed.

2011-02-23T16:46:00.003-05:00

Somehow, I am at work.

This time yesterday I was not expecting to be here.

I am sleep deprived. It's way past lunch time and I am nothing like hungry; it's weird when I don't want to eat food.

Last night I called in to the radio show and spoke with Errol. There are people like warm summer breezes, and then there's Errol. It's amazing to me that I've never *actually* met him.

Listened to my FAWM 08 stuff. 2008 was a great year, a fun year. I wrote some of my favorite FAWM songs ever that year, even though I barely knew how to use my equipment. Other songs I had no memory of writing or recording, some of that stuff came off surprisingly well.

Talked to a friend yesterday for the first time in *ages*. Did me good.

I think I'm finally ready to get out of the strange little boat I've been in, on the choppy seas of Trying To Figure Out People and Things That Don't Want To Be Figured Out. Got shit to do. Those who want to be around, will be around. And those who don't want to be around can Fuck. Right. Off.

I got a wonderful note from a major-writer-author-woman. A Badass. I wrote her so long ago I had forgotten about it. Among other things, she said to me:

Think big, and don't let the world hem you in. If you can make it work, then it will work!

Yes.
Thank you.
Message received.

Maybe some collabs in these last few days?

Right now I'm feeling that FAWM is a lovely gift from the universe.

FAWM. Day 22. All Nighter.

2011-02-22T12:46:00.005-05:00

I pulled my first allnighter last night for FAWM. Track #7 took way longer than I wanted or expected it to. I blame Drums on Demand. I found the perfect group of samples and then used, like, ten of them, wanting the tension to build all the way through. I even played fake bass. There are definitely some wrong notes in there.

But when you have drums, bass feels good.

It's still a weird time. I will, at intervals, make a decision to snap out of it, but bad news keeps *finding* me, in the most unexpected places.

Finished the track around 7am, but couldn't sleep in this morning. Had to go to the city and fill out a timesheet for work. I sat in a cafe and had lunch. Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" played over the loudspeaker and I wept into a tuna sandwich.

Fuck, I love music.

And, Holy Shit, February's almost over!

Better put some speed on. I WILL get to fourteen.

FAWM. Day 21. Broken heart? Check.

2011-02-21T21:35:00.003-05:00

I have written a song that breaks my own heart a bit.

I don't think this has ever happened before.

This is not to say that it will break anybody else's heart. Or even that it's worthy of being heard by anyone else.

This is just to say that it made me sad. I'm not sure that I've ever made myself sad before, even with all the tragic little dirges I've written up until this point.

Seemed a moment worthy of marking, somehow.

Hm.

FAWM. Day 20. Some Observations.

2011-02-20T18:16:00.006-05:00

For me, there is such a thing called "song readiness."

I am suddenly song-ready. Like, all the time. I am ready to put pieces together and see connections that I didn't see a minute ago. At some point, I was just song-ready all the time, and then I was not, and now I am again.

If I stay like this for a month or so, I might be ready to do some truly deep work.

There are lots of angels in my songs this year. Angels running and hiding. Angels lurking. I am not a religious person. But I'm thinking a lot about all the stuff bearing down on me that I can't see.

There are a few things I listed as goals that I probably won't get to (songskirmishes - I'm not sure what I could do with the titles that have already been offered up; last year's songs). Will try not to stress myself out about it. Will just try to get to 14.

I keep forgetting to eat dinner and pay bills (song-readiness might be to blame; I'm spending a lot of time tinkering with lyrics). MENBAH!'s songs are ripping me apart. A leetle too close to home right now, his stuff is. It's slightly agonizing. And amazing that it can even happen at all. He's good, that MENBAH!.

I think I just wrote a song called Turpentine.

FAWM. Day 18. Step back!

2011-02-18T16:57:00.003-05:00

Woah, step back!

I am in the midst of making every cheesy musical impulse I've ever had into actuality!

I-IV-vi-V is next.

February's going to end in some horrible train wreck, I know it.

FAWM. Day 17.

2011-02-17T15:00:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days
when you're not satisfied
with anything?

I'm having one of those days.
It will pass, perhaps.

FAWM. Day 16. Ghosts.

2011-02-16T23:44:00.001-05:00

Doing vocals right now.

There's one little part that has an unbelievable 30 tracks in it. Crazy.

Looking to get that one and another simpler one done tonight.

Hm...

FAWM. Day 15. Vortex.

2011-02-15T15:42:00.003-05:00

Oof. Fell right into the vortex there. Mm hm, the void.

So, I have four songs I could finish for FAWM right now at this very moment, if I weren't at work. But they're all about emotionally turbulent spaces. I'm irritated that these songs are reflecting exactly how I'm feeling right now. Why say what's so friggin' obvious?

I'm boring myself, is what it is.

Valentine's Day: Hm. It's over, at least there's that. I stayed quiet and kept my hands still. Mostly.

I spent yesterday polishing the beginning of a new short story I've been struggling with. I can't tell if I'm making it better. Had a GREAT meeting with my fiction critique group last Saturday; I wasn't even being critiqued. They are a smart, sensitive group of people. There was one guy in particular who took me aside to give feedback on the story I submitted a month ago. He said the story is a draft or two from being publishable and that he's going to bother me about it until I start sending it out.

I'm not sure he's right, but it was really nice to hear that depth of feeling and level of belief in my work. And I'd forgotten that the point was to send stuff out. That is the point.

Does anyone else think it's not right for Columbia to charge a fee to submit a Financial Aid application?

(Not that Columbia has accepted me yet...)

Motivation=flagging. Big time.

Perhaps a falafel sandwich will fix everything. I'm off to get one.

FAWM. Day 9.

2011-02-09T22:57:00.001-05:00

Today was difficult in ways I can't even describe to you.

Going to sleep. Will try it all again tomorrow.

FAWM. Day 8. Tummy PTSD.

2011-02-08T17:51:00.002-05:00

Food Poisoning episode=over. My poor tummy is going through a bit of PTSD and doesn’t want to consume a lot right now, but there’s no more pain. Thank goodness.

My flash of insight today was that I’m spending too much time trying to finish a lyric that may not come together this month. I have one verse and a chorus, but additional sections aren’t showing themselves readily. I don’t think I know enough about this song yet. Wanted to finish it for the numbers challenge, but it may not happen. So I’m moving on. To a song called Ghosts. I made this decision and my enthusiasm jumped significantly.

I feel bad about not having so much time to listen to other people’s songs.

Jennifer Egan is my new hero.

Today at work was (is) cruddy. Ick.

I’m assuming I’ll get out of here at some point. Want to go home and start on Ghosts.

FAWM. Day 7. Ugh!

2011-02-07T12:16:00.004-05:00

Last night, I got food poisoning.

The culprit was a spicy turkey with provolone sandwich from my corner deli. I had had one a couple of days before, and had a little tummy twinge, but didn't put two and two together. Last night, I was full-on SICK, and couldn't get to sleep until 4 o'clock in the morning.

Ergh. Horrible. I was doubled over in pain until about 10 o'clock this morning.

The one good thing about being that ill is that the world feels shining and glorious now; I am appreciating every moment that I don't have stomach pain.

I'm going to think about putting lyrics/loop tracks together for songs 3 and 4, but I plan to mostly spend the day appreciating that I don't have stomach pain.

FAWM. Day 6. Wiped.

2011-02-06T17:37:00.005-05:00

I posted my first two FAWM songs.

The finished demo NEVER sounds like it sounds in your head. The disappointment can be dental floss-thin, or chasm-wide.

It's nearing 6 in the evening and I am WIPED OUT. Not sure why, exactly. It might be food-related. As in, I probably should have had lunch a couple of hours ago.

But also, I heard a short story today that knocked me out. The New Yorker has a wonderful series of fiction podcasts, in which an author chooses a story from The New Yorker archives to read and discuss. Today I listened to Jennifer Egan reading Lore Segal's The Reverse Bug. *Killer* story. Great, great stuff.

Even before that, I spent the morning in strange nostalgia for a really specific something.

But you can never go back, can you?

An Aside:
I feel it necessary right now to declare my love for --> TOTO! Yes, that Toto. "I Bless the Rains Down in Africa" Toto. I've kinda been on a Toto kick lately, brought on by Steve Almond's funny reading. He jests, but the song still kicks ass. Was particularly moved by Perpetuum Jazzile's version of the song. By the time the thunder happened, I was thinking, "That's real commitment." I also love the beat boxer playing air drums.

Rosanna has been on a loop in my head. It's quite masterful, for a pop song, and for any kind of song. Two different feel changes (three, if you count the jazzy bit at the end of the video) is pretty rare in mainstream music. Plus, I *so* wanted to be the dancer in that video. Her dress, her 'tude, her shoes - loved every minute of it (apparently, she was in Dirty Dancing and is married to Richard Marx). There are gang members wearing *kerchiefs* in that video.

Those guys are still around. Which amazes me. That's what it is to be a jobbing musician, to just keep going, no matter what. In my YouTubing, I've seen some bad performances of their songs (mental note: it's dangerous to have a super high pitched bit in your songs; there may come a day when you're sick or whatever and can't hit those notes...). But they've kept going. And still sound really good. It's inspiring.

I might get to songing later. Maybe not. Maybe, though. I seem to like to work late at night. My curious, order-imposing brain has declared that I will work in pairs this FAWM, one heavily-layered song and one acoustic song at a time. There is lyric work to do.

Right now I'm off to forage for lunch. Erm, dinner.

FAWM. Day 5. Entering the Trance State.

2011-02-05T09:30:00.005-05:00

It's before 10am! Which feels *really* early, for some reason.

Spent yesterday morning polishing off the lyrics for my first two FAWM songs. I can't ever remember poring over FAWM lyrics so methodically; it suits me.

FAWM stuff generally feels "throwaway" to me. I've never written anything during FAWM that I would actually record and put on an album. Songs, even the not-so-good ones, follow me around. They nag at me, until the moment I finish them. It helps to complete all the "almost, but not quite" stuff, just to get it out of my brainspace and let the other stuff emerge.

It felt good to face a lyric for a couple of hours and really stare it down, nuance and finesse it as much as possible, even within its "throwawayness". Made me feel that much better about giving the song life.

Had an errand to run regarding my ex, a last act that I've had on my to-do list for several days. I did it. It's done. Came home and slept for a couple of hours.

I started a track at 8:30 last night. Spent a couple of hours building drums. Had to hurdle over technical difficulty of lack of signal when I plugged in my electric guitar. Somehow, after a half hour, it all magically started working and off I went. Even figured out how to crudely automate volume dips in a track, something I've never done before. It was 3am when I declared the product mostly finished.

There's a thread on the forum that asks the question: Anyone else hate recording? I do. Loathe it. That is, until I actually start doing it. Then, the next thing I know, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and my ears are fried from loud rock music I MADE that DIDN'T EXIST YESTERDAY. There's something to be said for that trance state. That trance state is a true mark of enjoyment, I believe.

Today's question: to skirmish, or not to skirmish?

I may check in again before today's over. I don't know if four songs are realistic by tomorrow night, but I bet I can knock out three...

FAWM. Day 4. Grr.

2011-02-04T02:10:00.004-05:00

I *hate* missing a day. Grr.

The good news is I'm not lacking for ideas.

The bad news is I have eighty million song fragments fighting for my attention every minute. I'm completely unsure of what I can bring to fruition in a reasonable amount of time. And I feel a bit like a crazy person. Who sings all the time.

I'm getting to know the full size and shape of my vocal rustiness. Yeesh.

Anyhow, there's the weekend. Time to complete some things. I'm putting this on the table: Four songs by Sunday night.

Yup, I said it.

Fawm. Day 2. Goal Setting.

2011-02-02T20:02:00.003-05:00

Another looong work day.

Funny, though, how primed and ready for songwriting I am, even though I haven't written in months. I sit at my desk, listening to guitar bits and scribbling lyrics. My boss caught me deep, deep in songthought today. Hope I didn't sound too irritated when I answered him.

Most years I just write whatever happens, but today I came up with some goals for this FAWM:

1. To simplify. Musically, lyrically, process-wise, all of it. I overthink things, and I need to halt it.

2. Two piano songs. The piano freaks me out. Would like to get over that a bit.

3. To participate in at least two skirmishes, and finish in the allotted time.

4. To write a I - V - vi – IV song.

5. For extra credit, demo the three songs I didn't demo last year.

I have a list of songbits that are screaming for drafts. But, I want to leave my mind open to create completely new things too. In fact, I'd like my first post to be something new and unexpected.

Okay, I'm about to go turn on my stuff, see what still works.

FAWM - Day 1. Day One?!?

2011-02-01T10:48:00.003-05:00

Feb One. Here we are.

I haven't changed the strings on my guitar in six months. I have no idea what works and what doesn't.

It will be okay, though. It will all be okay.

I have a few fragments on deck that I will be working up.

Right now I'm sitting at work, the beginning of a loooonnnngggg day, no doubt. Challenging myself to complete a lyric while I'm sitting here.

Oof - already I've got a line.

This might be a good one.

Almost time.

2011-01-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

It’s been just about forever since I updated this blog.

It’s been nearly a year. I’ve been busy with all manner of thing.

T-minus how many days until February? Dunno. I seriously thought yesterday was Wednesday (it was actually Thursday). I’m working a really intense temp job in a room with no windows, kinda glad for the sensory deprivation – just broke up with a guy I really liked.

More on this later, perhaps.

It’s weird that you can have so much fun with someone, feel so at ease, and things can still be so not right.

I went into my temp job the day after the breakup. I had worked for the same company back in November, for the first time. Things were rocky for the first week, but by the time the project ended, we were a well oiled machine.

When I went in last week, they’d made me a nameplate. I got hugs from several people that I wasn’t expecting. I felt really…wanted. Needed, even. Remembered. Which was just what I was needing after the relationship experience I just had.

I’ve spent just over a week moping, and am done with the worst of it. I am craving warmth, good friends, a nice glass of wine, a nice meal. A good short story makes things ten times better. Words on a page still beat all. I haven’t been making much music lately, but all that’s about to change.

Because it’s February, and you know what that means. I have a few songs on deck already that I’ll be polishing up. I haven’t sung or written in a long, long while. Months and months. My voice is *mega* rusty right now. I hope my equipment still works. No grand plans or concepts this year, just want to cross the finish line in a graceful fashion.

FAWM. Day 9.

2010-02-09T23:53:00.003-05:00

You wouldn't even believe me if I tell you about the day I had.

I made a conscious decision to keep music-making at the fringes and concentrate on some daily tasks that I've been putting off for days. Made a list of fifteen things and achieved 12 or 13 of them. Lots of crazy running around in unfamiliar parts of Brooklyn.

Oh, and at some point, I ended up at Hooters.

(Celebrating a friend's birthday...with chicken wings!)

Crazy.

Them Crooked Vultures rocked the world last night. They are worthy of worship.

I hope to be snowed in tomorrow, so that I can write and write. Two for my producer. Two for FAWM.

(Four songs...is that realistic?)

(Dunno.)

j.

FAWM. Day 8. The First Song.

2010-02-08T18:07:00.001-05:00

I've recorded it.

However, there are about 20 tracks, and I have to put stuff in place.

Not right now, though.

Right now I'm going to Roseland to have my face rocked off by Them Crooked Vultures!

Rawk.

j.

FAWM. Day 7.

2010-02-07T21:59:00.003-05:00

There was a game or something tonight?

I also wrote what will be my first FAWM song. Spent a bloody hour trying to find the (mostly) right drum loop. Time to turn on the Cubase and get crackin'.

I also worked up a skeleton for a demo for my producer. Took another bloody hour to figure out that the guitar is capoed at the fourth fret and the low string is dropped yet another half step. Usually I'm really good at documenting these things. Not that day, apparently.

Here we go.
j.

FAWM. Day 6.

2010-02-06T10:22:00.003-05:00

Missed yesterday. Hate that.

But, I did get four songs in something of a state for my producer. Got a great reaction from each of them. The thing I was sure, sure, sure was a cheesy-wanna-be-Tegan-and-Sara song he though was the one of the most straight-ahead rock songs I've ever written.

Hm.

Four is probably a reasonable amount of songs for a week's work.

I'm all set up for another four next week.

Wanna try to get a few FAWM songs done this weekend as well. But it's second priority, really.

j.

FAWM. Day 4.

2010-02-04T22:40:00.002-05:00

Worked on songs for producer today.

Deadline tomorrow.

I won't have six songs, am shooting for four. It's proving devilish hard to be satisfied with lyrics. Even dummy lyrics. These are the dummiest of dummy lyrics. It's *so* unsatifying. Is this going to work?

Have a bunch of songs mapped out for FAWM though. Will get started FAWMing on Saturday.

j.

FAWM. Day 3.

2010-02-03T22:37:00.002-05:00

Oh god. I am way down in it.

Way.

Down.

I've basically been in the same position all day, on an inverted piano stool, using a dresser as a desk. I've got a guitar to one side of me, loop CDs playing from the computer, About 18 word files full of lyrics open at once. My cat is desperately trying to find a (nonexistent) comfortable position on my lap, trying to get in on this action.

As soon as I'm done typing this sentence, I will have to grab her and place her elsewhere.

I am schizophrenic loon today, mentally hopping from song to song to song to song to song. I mapped out a potential FAWM menu, which will include a few repurposed lyrics. The time for trying new things, for listening through loops, is over, I think. Now I have to execute.

In the midst of it all, I'm trying to get 6 songs together for my producer on Friday. In my left-brainedness I created a list for that, too. And I am going down it, in order. Part of my mind wants to jump around, complete the close-to-done songs first.

If I do that, I will jump around forever, and ever. No. Go down the list in order.

Two verses and two choruses is enough. Go back and finish later. Just do a map, a rough sketch.

Erm. That was me, to myself.

I haven't really been able to listen much to people's songs. I'm feeling a bit removed from the community this year, I think. Although I did spend some of last night blathering on Charlie's radio show when he had technical difficulties. I don't have Charlie's cool radio show guy demeanor. I'm sure it sounded wrong.

Anyhow.

I'm shaping up song #3 for my producer. I barely have anything for it. I'm trying to come up with some words that won't make me wretch, and it's really difficult. I'm just filling lines at the moment. Sometimes, though, that causes me to hit on something good. So I'm just trying to trust in process right now.

Trust the process. John Taylor (from Duran Duran) has a good song about that. Called Trust the Process.

Hm.
j.

FAWM. Day 2.

2010-02-02T08:13:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a bit nuts.

I sat down to write and *all* *this* *stuff* came out.

Loop CDs are amazing. A few years ago I spent a pretty penny on a few. And they have stood me in very good stead. Yesterday I just picked a few samples at random, and came up with a few workable FAWM ideas! Woot!

Having too many ideas can be as bad for me as not having any, though.

It's early: 8:30am. I am giving priority today to the work I'm doing with my producer. Going to solidify a couple of song structures, and see if I can fill in a few lyric holes.

There's no singing anyway. I still sound froggy and ill. But it might just be time to create guitar tracks.

Hm.

Guitar,
Jul

FAWM. Day 1.

2010-02-01T00:12:00.002-05:00

I am sick.

I'm coughing up a rainbow assortment of mucus. My head is swimming in sinus.

I'm not sure what's going to happen for FAWM this year. I am writing for a new record, and that FAWMy, try-anything energy might oppose the very deliberate approach I'm taking for the record. But we'll see. There's so much songstuff floating around, I might be able to pull something out.

I'm back in Brooklyn (after a month spent in Florida) and bouncing around like a jumping bean. I've started a series of weekly meetings with my producer, and I've promised a sizable amount of output each week. The songs don't even have to be complete, just sketched out. This is a very different way of working for me, I tend to let things sit. For months. Or years. Until I feel like they're done.

Because everything is on the table right now, sound, direction, etc., I feel like it's more important to cycle through the ideas in a tangible way, and then pick what is the most compelling. This forces me to get it all down, and to lose my worries about allowing someone to hear something nascent or premature.

For now though, I will toast the arrival of February with a cup of peach flavored green tea.

j.

NaNo - Day 12. So Far Away.

2009-11-12T08:30:00.001-05:00

So, I've gotten a lovely green bar, about 52,000 words at this point.

The thing is, I'm still behind, scene wise!

There are so many parts and pieces, I'm not quite sure I'm enjoying this yet...

I'm a busy, busy girl. That's a good thing.

j.

NaNo - Day 8. Doubled My Wordcount Today.

2009-11-08T23:55:00.003-05:00

Okay, I've been focused today.

Not as focused as I could have been.

But.

I have doubled my wordcount, and am about five scenes away from being off the first page of my outline. Which is significant. It's nearly midnight, and I'm thinking I want to write those five scenes.

So that tomorrow, there's less to do to catch up.

go, go, go,
j.

NaNo - Day 8. I Missed A Whole Chunk Of Days.

2009-11-08T10:10:00.003-05:00

Ack.

I missed a few days' check ins - Traveled to Philadelphia to play a show, and spent a ton of hours *sleeping* yesterday.

I did do a bit of writing, I'm up to about 16,000 words at the moment. But, I am *way* *way* behind. Like, impossibly behind, really.

The writing I have done is good, though. I've barely begun to scratch the surface of the story and establish the connections between characters. The writing is sloppy, way sloppy.

But we all know that's not the point.

I have an intense writing goal for today. It's Write or Die all the way, methinks.

Jul

NaNo - Day 4. I'm Writing! I'm Writing!

2009-11-04T23:35:00.002-05:00

Okay!

I'm about 5,000 words in!

It's all feeling suspiciously easy. I'm keeping my wordcount per scene really low (1200, as compared to 1500-2500 that I've done in past years) and I can knock that out in about 25 minutes when using Write Or Die.

I took Dana on the subway to the gym, and managed to finish a scene on the way there and back. I might try to sneak a couple more in before bedding down tonight.

Already, this is friggin' awesome.

j.

NaNo - Day 3. Outline complete.

2009-11-03T23:49:00.002-05:00

Okay.

I've looked at this thing long enough.

There are a million things going on in my life right now, I don't feel like I know enough about these characters to start writing. BUT. I cannot do another bit of tweaking to this outline. It's as complete as it's going to be right now.

Tomorrow, I write. I've got hella catching up to do.

It's on,
jul

NaNo - Day 2. An Outline!

2009-11-02T20:04:00.003-05:00

Okay, so it's evening time, Day 2. I have something like an outline!

137 rough scenes. Five major storylines. I'm not even completely certain how a few of the story lines are going to end. I'm getting excited, though. And I have a title so cool that I'm not even going to share it.

I posted a thread on the board and suddenly have three nemeses; the four of us will race to 150,000. Competition! Yes!

I'm headed into town to go see the Michael Jackson movie with my NaNoing buddy Su. Someone else mentioned the movie to me today, and when Su suggested going to see it tonight, I had to say yes right away. I believe in signs from the universe like that.

Tomorrow will be busy. My personal trainer gave me a grueling workout for tomorrow (an "off" day), but I'd like to spend a significant chunk of time writing. 6000 words per day is a lot, yes, but I'll have to do around that to keep on track for 150,000 by months end.

I love figuring out the accounting. From then, it's just type, type, type!

Yay! It's on!
Jul

NaNo - Day 1. And So It Begins.

2009-11-01T09:36:00.003-05:00

Here we are again!

I feel like I'm facing November 1st with my pants down. I am nowhere near prepared to start writing. I've started to chart out story lines (five major ones) and I'm deciding to go for 150,000 words, about. I'm only about half done with the preliminary outline. Must finish that before I write Word One.

I went out to see Colman Domingo's off-Broadway show ("A Boy and His Soul") last night, ate some naughty Chinese food, hung out with The Jodester at The Bitter End. I lamented my lack of costume. I will have a costume next year! I will!

I'm fighting away that sense of inner panic. The whole month is ahead, and Marathon mode is more important than Sprint mode right now.

It's all good.
Jul

Outlining. Damn.

2009-10-31T12:57:00.003-04:00

I am in the thick of it, making lists of characters and scenes I only have vague, fuzzy notions about.

I should have started this two weeks ago. And, I can't figure out how to edit my outline structure in Word 2007.

Will try to go go go and have something like complete at midnight...

j.

The Kickoff - Write or Die!

2009-10-28T07:59:00.004-04:00

Okay, must nudge myself back toward daily blogging. It's almost November!

Am very happy to say that I am motivated this year, and excited. Still working out my word and story goals for this month. I am resurrecting an outline that I started years ago. It's an enormous, sprawling story (Infinite Jest-inspired) that will require more than 50,000 words to get anything like a draft going.

The kickoff party last night was great, so many friends I haven't seen in ages. It was like Homecoming. I won a book light in the raffle!

The desktop version of Write or Die is out! You already know how much I love this program. And it just made itself about eight hundred times awesomer. There is some serious potential for word warring there.

I will look for a nemesis today with around the same word goal and tolerance for self punishment.

Yay!,
jules

NaNoWriMo. Oh Nine.

2009-10-25T16:05:00.003-04:00

Alright.

It's that time of the year again.

I went back and found the pages of outline for the 07 novel I didn't start. This thing is *huge*. I'm rubbing my hands together.

j.

MailART: The Cards. Five.

2009-10-03T10:44:00.005-04:00

Victor.

William.

Yvonne.

Zachary.

Zia.

MailART: The Cards. Four.

2009-10-03T10:37:00.002-04:00

Quincy.

Rachel.

Suzanne.

Trevor.

Ulrika.

MailART: The Cards. Three.

2009-10-03T10:25:00.007-04:00

Lorelei.

Marilyn.

Nadine.

Nick.

Oliver.

Phillippe.

MailART: The Cards. Two.

2009-10-03T10:01:00.009-04:00

Felicia.

Gregory.

Harold.

Isaac.

Johnny.

Kathryn.

MailART: The Cards. One.

2009-10-03T09:47:00.016-04:00

Amanda.

Brian.

Caroline.

Darlene.

Edward.

Esther.

MailART.

2009-09-30T13:37:00.002-04:00

The idea is this: you create postcards for 25-30 others, they create postcards for you. Hmm.

I’ve never been any kind of visual artist; I don’t the faculty to draw what I see. But the MailART project intrigued me greatly. I spied a few of the cards done for the previous round, and I was struck by how different the artists’ cards were. I’ve dabbled in collage and scrapbooking. I thought I’d give it a try.

So, I got cards cut to size and bought way too many supplies. Spent hundreds of dollars on supplies. Bought paints, regular watercolors and metallic watercolors, acrylics, gouaches. Bought rubber stamps, ink pads, eyelets and a HUGE Crop-A-Dile, bought false coins and stencils and embossing materials that I have no idea how to use.

The theme this time around is “Human Being in Time.” I’m lucky that this theme kind-of jibes with the original idea that I got for the cards: to have each card feature a character, and a one-sentence story.

I spent a couple of days with the paints, layering on the watercolors and acrylics, mixing colors. I created about 50 mini-canvases total, and grouped them.
There are the dirty canvases and the dark canvases.

Dirty canvases.

The dirty canvases are layers of color that I eventually started smudging with a dry brush or paper towel. I have developed the utmost respect for people who know how to mix colors.

Brown. I need to learn how to make brown.

Dark canvases.

I really enjoy black paint.

It’s hard for me to not add too much black paint to other colors, which can easily make them muddy. But black paint on its own is majestic and beautiful. I painted a couple of intense, completely black canvases, and then started to smudge black on canvases, with dry brushes and paper towel.

So, the postcards are due in the next couple of days. I will take pictures and upload them here.

jul

Fifty. Ninety.

2009-07-05T20:37:00.003-04:00

I have been gathering song fragments.

These are the dregs, the pieces, the never-and-still-not-good-enough stuff. This is what I will work on for 50/90, lowering the quality bar, and then perhaps removing it altogether.

The good (?) news is that there's plenty of this material, more than enough to sustain 50+ songs.

Since the songs will be crap, I will set other challenges for myself to make this edifying. Here are a few I can think of off the top of my head:

To finally play the bass sitting forlornly in the corner

To pull out the harmonicas and the ebow that I've never used

To record a track live

This is all prelude to approaching the stuff I really want and need to work on, what may turn out to be the next album. There's so much going on.

Most of it is good.

j.

Nostalgia.

2009-06-14T17:26:00.003-04:00

Today:
I got caught up in some *serious* FAWM nostalgia.

It was quiet day at work, and I'm glad I could put on the headphones and listen, listen, listen. Some of the songs I wrote don't even feel like they were of or from me; some of the stuff is much cooler and much smoother than I remember.

And then I got caught up in other people's songs, and wow, there are some amazing singer-songwriters at that board. Wow.

I just want to tell everyone how good they are, all the time.

It's going to be a busy week. I'm doing some shows out of state next week. Should be fun, but there's a lot to do before I'm ready to go.

My current motto is: Pay your speeding tickets, and don't speed in the first place. I am out hundreds and hundreds of dollars because of a ticket I got the last time I traveled. Yeesh.

It's mostly good,
j.

A beginning.

2009-05-22T13:27:00.002-04:00

Okay.

16,062 words for the new story.

It's not a draft yet. The words are sort-of loosely hint around the story idea; I mostly wrote without thinking, without any kind of respect for the linear or the sensical.

I feel slightly giddy, having pushed my way through it. It's the longest thing I've ever written, outside of November.

I just thought about it, just now, that I've written three novels, the past three Novembers. I've never allowed myself to put it to myself in those terms; I just think about them as "the things that take up my time each November," and I've never thought of them as living breathing works that might one day have a life outside of my apartment.

One day, when I'm brave, I'll go back and read them.

But for now, I'm going to print out 36 pages and come up with a plan for knocking this into a series of events that might make me feel something, anything...

j.

And once we start, the meter clicks...

2009-05-18T23:09:00.006-04:00

Hi.

Words are magic, you know.

Writing is magic. It really feels like magic.

This may or may not be true for you. But it's true for me, it's the truest thing I can think to say at this moment.

I have been struggling, struggling with a short story forming in my head. I've logged about 6000 words on the story, writing like it was November. I fashioned and re-fashioned the first few paragraphs, to show to a friend from writing class, still not 100% sure it's right.

This *kills* me, this uncertainty.

In November, I'm writing too fast to acknowledge it. But here in real life, the days are stained with it.

I hate writing when I don't know where the story will end up. I feel like I'm walking with a candle in the dark, blindfolded. Either I'm going to fall off a cliff, or burn down the forest. In either instance, nothing good can come of it.

I took a break from writing tonight to read. I've been reading short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri. Very prosaic style, Jhumpa. I would have said that I prefer a much more lyrical style, a Toni Morrison. But Jhumpa gets the job done, lays her words out there, one after the other, and by the end of the story, I feel like the wheel has turned.

I then pulled out The Writer's Notebook, a book of essays on writing put together by Tin House. Read an interesting essay by Aimee Bender. It's hard to say exactly what it's about, but, by way of a Flannery O'Connor essay, she basically says that the sum of a story should be more than its parts, and it's okay if you're not sure what the sum (or the parts) are. It's okay not to know everything about your characters, it's okay to leave things hanging in the air.

I read the essay through and nodded to myself.

It's okay not to know. Yeah.

And then it came to me, where the new short story will go.

I don't know if the lock unclicking was related to the reading of the essay, but it feels like the two are related. In a way I don't understand. In a way I'm not meant to understand.

Magic.

j.

I do about two things a day.

2009-05-06T22:19:00.002-04:00

Spring finds me slow. It's hard to act without a deadline, I actually bought a plane ticket going to the wrong airport yesterday.

I do what I can, I have been spending inordinate amounts of time staring into a screen.

Going to read Toni Morrison's Love now.

j

Not

2009-05-03T16:55:00.002-04:00

Things are not right.

Not.
Right.

Not.

I'm trying to focus, trying to obsess. My mind is in about twelve different pieces at all times.

Low blood sugar doesn't help.

I am looking for my Passing Strange to save me tonight.

j.

Shaking off that Lower Nature.

2009-04-18T16:02:00.005-04:00

Had a lovely dinner with an old old friend last night; I haven't seen him for almost nine years. He said some wonderful things that he didn't have to say, about music, about me. I found out that a mutual friend, our age, died suddenly of cancer several years back. Within the span of a couple of months. He went to the doctor concerned about weight gain, and within a few months had died.

Life is so, so short.

So, I didn't win that thing I was trying to win. The current dilemna is whether I should buy it now, anyway. It would help me some, I'm sure. My older, less evolved self would slink off into the shadows, pissed that Ms. Thing did not recognize my particular brand of genius and acknowledge it accordingly. Me Now wants to get over it and get on with it. Maybe.

*So* hard to shake off that Lower Nature.

Working from home today, and liking it muchly. I have my songwriting notebook at my side, listening to the magical Guy. Music is making me float. It's so hard to work.

I'm a good little girl, waiting for words. I've been waiting for words for weeks now, weeks. And sometimes I only have to wait hours.

Words fill me these days, just like food.

j.

Conversation.

2009-04-16T19:04:00.006-04:00

Date: Today.
Time: A little earlier than Now.

Universe?
Yes?

I realized something today.
And what is that?

I don't think I trust you enough.
Really? Whatever do you mean?

(are you being sarcastic?)
(yes, I am. go on.)

I think I automatically assume that you're just not going to be there for me. I just assume that you're never going to provide what I need.
And why is that?

That's a really long story.
One day we'll have to talk about it.

I know, but not today.
That's okay.

Anyhow, there was this thing I was wanting.
Mmmm hmm.

I just assumed I would never have it.
Why did you assume that?

Because I hold it in my head two-thirds of the time that the Universe is a mean ol' place.
And is it? Am I a mean ol' place?

It's hard not to think so sometimes.
And so?

And so I've been in a bad mood for weeks, thinking how I would never have this thing I really wanted.
And then what happened?

Today - there it was. Suddenly it just showed up. I'm not even talking metaphor. The thing literally just showed up.
It did, didn't it?

I didn't have to go to it. It was just there for me.
It was, wasn't it?

I spent a lot of energy ranting and railing against you, you know.
Yes, I know.

It occurs to me that I could have wasted less time being a sour puss and actually have caused that thing I wanted to happen. Maybe the thing would have happened sooner.
Oh, you're finally realizing that now, are you? Good.

Yeesh, I am such a brat.
Yes, you can be.

Sorry.
It's okay.

I'll probably be a brat again tomorrow.
*sigh* I know. And I'll be proving you wrong again tomorrow.

Can I just take a minute and be thankful?
Of course.

****

j.

I will read. For hours!

2009-04-15T12:57:00.003-04:00

Care.
Feeding.
So much to do.
A whole day ahead
and a universe
to achieve in that time.

Brain
reels.
What to do first?
I had a list.

Now it's hours later
and I've only
watched a movie
(somewhat groovy
and Norweigian)
about writers.
I should be writing?

I should be reading!
Today is a day
lost on exercise
and grand plans.

I will read words
and feed my head.

mwah,
j.

Today I tried to win something.

2009-04-13T16:54:00.003-04:00

Man, I could use a nap.

It's 5pm. I am yawning like crazy. I am sitting here at work, trying to muster an ounce of focus.

I found out today that my package is pretty good. Better than what I was expecting, at least. If I'm diligent and frugal, like I know I should be, I'll have enough time to do what I need to do.

I am so looking forward to that first Saturday. I swear to God, I'm going to get up at eleven and walk to the library. I can taste that walk on my tongue now, as if it were a watermelon Now&Later.

Today I tried to win something.

I almost won the last thing I tried to win. One of my favorite British singer-songwriters held a contest and the prize was a book he contributed to. He told me that he liked my response, but it would have been expensive to send the book from Britain. *sigh* At least he remembered I'm in the US.

So, today I tried again to win something.

Woke up early. Typed through a standard essay with a nagging sense of "god, this is so typical." It was time to head out, and I thought, "No. We're going to skew this. Way out." I imagined a new starting sentence that really excited me.

And I came to work and wrote the essay. Through crazy deadlines and crappy meetings going on around me.

My essay solicited a response from the prize giver already. Hopefully this means I'm a shoe-in.

Cross your fingers for me.

Heading out to see some good friends tonight, which will be fun.

j.

Easter. Everywhere.

2009-04-12T11:19:00.005-04:00

Today I woke up needing music.

*Needing* it, like a life raft I'm sailing on in the center of a lonely ocean.

I packed the ipod today and am listening. Hard.

Dave Dobbyn's Lament for the Numb and Twist are pretty great anytime music.

The pastorale of XTC's Apple Venus is perfect background music to celebrate an atheist's inner easter. River of Orchids is a stunning album opener, complex, winding, deeply beautiful. The imagery in Easter Theater is so gorgeous and bright that it blinds my third eye.

I do love music. I do love the music I love.

Yesterday, I had my intellect bound in knots by Adam Curtis's The Trap.

I felt like I was watching a visual university thesis being put together by a very, very smart man. I watched all three hours yesterday, closely, with furrowed brow. I got his point, eventually.

There's work-work to do and I will start it in a bit, as soon as I can come down off the music high and be where I am for a minute.

Thank you, Adam Curtis, XTC, Dave Dobbyn, for reminding me today what I believe in.

New life,
j.

Notes from a Rainy Saturday.

2009-04-11T13:28:00.006-04:00

It's been raining cats and dogs all morning.

And, a garbage bag full of cat litter broke open as I was trying to take it down six flights of stairs.

Still, I am giddy-giddy-happy today, I am a bouncy MoonGirl tripping along the floor of Atlantis, taking in all the sights.

Went to the Whitney last night with a buddy, and wow. Jenny Holzer's Protect Protect was about nine kinds of amazing. I won't tell you anything about it, except to go witness, if at all possible:

http://whitney.org/www/holzer/index.jsp

The Whitney felt like a celebratory exercise after finally getting my taxes filed yesterday.

I almost never have the occasion to go up to Spanish Harlem; usually my accountant is in his office at Grand Central. Yesterday, though, I went uptown. This is an area not yet colonized by Starbucks and The Gap. Delicious food smells from small, non-chain family restaurants basically carried me down the street. The look of the neigborhood is still a bit unpolished, but I whispered a silent *thanks* that there are areas of New York that are a bit rough around the edges still.

I found my accountant's office. Was there about half an hour; the most painful part of my visit was the shockingly bad episode of CSI (or one of those other cop shows with annoying actors and bad dialogue) I had to sit through while waiting. Had a few laughs with him, he gave me what I considered great news, and I bounced out of his office.

God bless e-filing.

Ticked a few items off the to do list this week! Have to re-jig the list tomorrow and get down to it. I'm thinking of going through all my email accounts and getting rid of extraneous messages.

This is not a small task.

I should be making more (any?) music, but I'm not going to push it. I have been notebooking all week, picking out lines of conversation to scribble down right away.

That makes me feel like I'm doing my job.

j.

A day of things.

2009-04-10T10:02:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to a dream of being in a huge building that exploded and ended up underwater.

I am now listening to a story on WNYC that doctors are changing VA diagnoses from PTSD in order to screw vets out of benefits.

I have a headache.

I'm hoping this mug of coffee will take care of it.

After I get my taxes all filed up (!), I might make a pitstop at The Whitney Museum to see Jenny Holzer's new exhibit. I first discovered her work at The Art Institute in Chicago when I went a few years ago. The exhibit was called Blue Tilt, and it was basically four neon strips with sayings flying by on a ticker tape that read like song lyrics. I sat down in the darkened room and watched the words go by for ten minutes.

BBC7 is running At Home with the Snails. It's sick, but I highly recommend it.

j.

Taxuality.

2009-04-09T12:11:00.003-04:00

It's just gone noon.

I am putting the finishing touches on my taxuality.

I found some steak in my fridge and had steak for breakfast. Why does everything taste better with medium-heat salsa on it?

Looks like I am officially breaking out of the cave tonight: I will go to the NaNo writers' group, comments in hand. I'm even considering volunteering for the next one, and resubmitting one of the two stories I wrote for the Gotham class.

I also plan on catching a show on the LES tonight.

There are a million things I should be doing. But, today I will be satisfied with getting my tax worksheet done, and may celebrate with something gooey and chocolate tomorrow, once the taxes are filed.

Good times ahead,
j.

Happy morning.

2009-04-08T10:36:00.004-04:00

My cats are crawling frantically over my face. Which means it's time to get up and feed them.

But the weekend is here. It's a great morning.

I was at work until 2am, entering the massive mountain of receipts into my tax worksheet. Today's task is to collect any stray receipts hiding around my apartment, and find all my bank statements and cross check. My spreadsheet should be in great shape by this time tomorrow. Meeting with accountant on Friday.

He's been sending me scary text messages for the past month, asking when my taxes will be ready.

The impending layoffs have set off some interesting tremors at work. My boss is freaking out. It is not pleasant. I've got a spring in my step and a smile on my face; The packages, I'm hearing, are better than I thought they would be. With my savings and my tax refund, I should be able to get by for a while if I'm really frugal.

I'll find out soon.

I'm making a list of outstanding items to take care of over the next couple of months, stuff I've been shrugging off for the longest time.

There's more to say, I might check back in later. Right now, there's a cat waiting at my side patiently to be fed.

Let's feed her, shall we?

j.

A Focus Problem.

2009-04-06T16:13:00.003-04:00

Okay. I'm having a focus problem.

My list of things to do is growing so long that it's stunning me into silence.

Never mind the higher order concerns.

I *never* feel like I get enough sleep these days, as well.

It's nearly 4:30pm and I've forgotten to eat lunch.

Hm. Need. Focus. First. Food.

j.

A dull moment? Never. At least, not this week.

2009-04-03T23:03:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I found out that in approximately two to three months, I will no longer have a job.

My company is lopping off 80% of its design operations, like a gangrenous leg. Only three design offices will be left in the nation (and one overseas). New York is not one of them. We're better off here than in other offices: all the other offices are closing on April 17th. At least we get a coupla months notice.

And they're being as nice as they can, considering. There will be a package, apparently.

I am fooling no one - it's not like I haven't been wishing this at the back of my brain for the past year. And now it's here. The careful planning starts now. Damn, I'm going to make this work.

I was in my apartment *smiling*. All morning.

I had a good meeting today. Mr. Producer played me some of his tracks, and some Beatles.

I've always resisted the Beatles. They're so ubiquitous that the anti-social in me has rejected them. But clearly, they were masterful craftsmen, maybe I should give them more of a look-in as I go collecting source material.

I did not have a song for Mr. Producer today. But, I happily plonked on the piano this morning, and came up with snippets that could be something. I feel myself easing into that groove, when my antennae are fully up and everything, I mean everything, could become a song.

I'm feeling pretty good. Nervous. Hopeful. Good.

j.

I have pianoed. A tad.

2009-04-02T12:41:00.003-04:00

It's nearly 1pm.

I have pianoed. A tad.

I believe that everyone has an internal rhythm.

(I came to this realization sitting in a guitar for singer-songwriters class at the New School. Every time the teacher would play something, a random progression, anything, what he played implied a bossa nova beat. It was like he walked around with a bossa band in his head.

I started paying closer attention after that, and noticed that my favorite singer songwriters have a favorite rhythmic "area". This is not a bad thing, to have a rhythmic home base that one gravitates toward.)

My internal rhythm, at least as far as the piano is concerned, is slow and arpeggiated. My fingers want to play something pretty and tinkly. It would be nice to have more of a driving rhythmic sense. But, I'll settle for something that holds together in any way shape or form, for the moment. I managed to come up with a few bits that might be usable for something, but nothing I'm motivated to build a song around.

Maybe drums would be a better place to start?

Must fire up the computer and pull out the Upbeat & Aggressive Drums on Demand.

My last day of class was yesterday. It was a bit melancholy. I have a couple of new facebook friends from class, and a couple of people did ask about shows and such. That's good, I suppose.

What I really need is "Booth" story/revision due every 3 weeks. I'm going to see if I can put together a small writer's group from NaNo folks. I'd really like diving deep into someone's work.

j.

I'll try not to be a raging downer today.

2009-03-31T23:39:00.002-04:00

It's 6am and I'm up.

This is not unusual. I've been falling asleep in unusual positions, then waking up around 6am, then falling asleep again around 7am. I thought I might actually try to get a few words down before conking out again.

Today is my last Fiction I class. I have issues with endings, but I'm not going to put too much emphasis on it.

I have been thinking about my two stories. They're there, in desperate need of revision. I'm going to have to take up that task soon. The first story involves two young girls walking through an overimposing, unfamiliar neighborhood; I know I'm going to have to focus on setting in a way that didn't happen in the first draft.

There's a song still due on Friday, although I did warn Mr. Producer that it might not happen. I've been data-mining for lyrics lately, but not feeling super inspired. The piano is calling me. But I can't think why. I get so extraordinarily moved to go sit down at it. But then I plonk at the keys without much truth or beauty emerging at all.

I'm reading a collection of short stories called Points of View. The stories inside are...wait for it...organized by points of view. But it's fascinating to see them all grouped together like that, to notice the similarities and differences between them, to see how each different author accomplishes his or her aims.

I've been discovering a whole crop of short story authors I dig: George Saunders, AM Homes. There is a dark thread running through their work, a deep groove of twisted sensuality, very stark. Very adult, I think.

It's something I'd like to incorporate into my songwriting.

j.

Push. Pull.

2009-03-29T23:57:00.002-04:00

I've been geeking on a singer-songwriter who's been around for a while, in a band, and now she's out on her own. I bought the songbooks for her band's first two releases, and was flipping through them and suddenly saw a picture of the band performing in a familiar setting. I read a bit of the text around the photo, and realized that the engineer that helped the band with their first album was actually one of the engineers I used on my second album.

We only did two sessions at this engineer's studio, and weren't able to do more for reasons that I don't fully understand. We did those two sessions, and then the engineer suddenly "didn't have any time available" for the rest of the summer. It was sudden and unpleasant, we had planned to finish the recording there, and the engineer telling us we couldn't come back was him pulling the rug out from under my producer and me. It was stunning, and hurtful.

I even forgot to credit the guy in my liner notes, I had put the incident so much out of my mind. It was just startling to know that he had done so many benevolent things for an artist I admire. She even called him a saint.

Things just seem determined to sting these days. Especially when I'm hoping to feel happy, or at least, stable, about things.

There's another little project, a non-musical one, that has been peeking in at the edges of my consciousness. Against my will. Let's just say, there's another person involved. Who doesn't seem to want to play the way I want, let's just say. This project was not even an idea that occurred to me, until it hit me that it might be a good one. But after hours of trying to interface today, I'm starting to realize "no dice".

I've been reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. In the book he asserts that all the smarts in the world don't mean anything without a measure of practical intelligence, the ability to talk your way into things, convince people to help, or at least feel sympathetic to your cause. I am one of those people who never learned much practical intelligence. Not that I have a a lot of smarts either...

Things just feel a bit grim today. Maybe nothing specific is wrong.

Right now I am recording Spats from the BBC. I am going to do that, and then I'm going to shut my computer down, read for half an hour, and then go to bed.

j.

Confessions.

2009-03-27T12:34:00.004-04:00

It's 12:34 where I am, and I'm suddenly feeling like it's confession time.

I was *very* passive-aggressive in fiction class this week. Truthfully, I was still feeling the sting from my misunderstood red-headed stepchild of a story two weeks ago. There was one guy's story that I was VERY scathing about, albeit in a passive aggressive manner. There was one girl that everyone was complimenting in their reviews, and it really made me uncomfortable.

My teacher even complimented my new hair. I couldn't even look at her.

Fiction class is over next week, and it's sad. Endings make me sad. There are connections I wanted to form and didn't, and it makes me sad.

There are new beginnings to begin, but it's all up to me.

There's a lot of work to be done.

There's *always* a lot of work to be done.

*sigh*

I wish work was parmesan-reggiano cheese. The kind they sell in chunky wedges at the Whole Foods. I bought a wedge of this cheese once, sliced off a little sliver, and ate it. It was tasty. Nutty. I sliced another. And, at some point, I started to bite off the wedge, chewing on chunks of cheese. And more, and more. I would take huge, large mouthfuls of parmesan-reggiano, and as soon as the taste was gone from my mouth, I wanted more.

And at some point, the wedge was gone. I was shocked and felt that it had disappeared magically, only a gnawed rind left. If my teethprints weren't in it, I would have looked around for the guilty party.

I wish work was like that, effortlessly delicious. I wish I could devour all the work I have to do without even noticing. I always feel like I'm staring at the mountain of work in front of me. The more I do, the more work I realize I have to do. It's daunting and makes me ill.

But, there's nothing else I have to do on earth, but my work.

So let's get on with it, then.

I'm sorry, guy, for snarking at your story. I'm sorry, class, for being pissy and withdrawn. I'll probably be pissy and withdrawn next week too, and then I'll never see any of you again.

In a bid to grasp at something positive: I now own my piano! Made my last payment on it two weeks ago, and now it's all mine. Lovely.

I should go play it?

j.

You're reading this bloggy-wog.

2009-03-27T00:47:00.002-04:00

I found out that one or two of you are actually READING this bloggy-wog. Now I feel pressure to produce. It's a good pressure, though.

Interesting day today: I met up with a producer on the Lower East Side, and we talked about doing some work together.

I've been trying to get over the tired, sick space that recording my second album put me in. FAWM helped me just about kick it, and meeting with this producer/drummer today and talking about music really got me excited to record again.

After an extended chat, and two different kinds of hummus, I accompanied the producer to a show that a friend of his was playing a couple of doors down.

It's been ages since I saw a show, and I forgot that shows, no matter how good they are or how good they're not, always inspire me to play. We're getting to that point, folks. I may have to book a show.

But.

In the meantime, I promised Mr. Producer to have a song for him by next Friday. I am really not sure how I'm going to pull that off. It's a different challenge from FAWM, needing to finish a song in so short a time span, and actually needing it to be GOOD.

Hm.

And those couple of kind souls reading should feel free to heckle me, comments-wise. On anything I've said here or anywhere else. It would make me feel less lonely and, perhaps, less deluded?

Perhaps?

j.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-16T13:27:00.001-04:00

I finished my second story. No one got it. It was a weird experience, sitting in class having person after person (and the teacher) tell me they didn’t get it, didn’t get at all that this young person’s anxiety, shyness and inability to connect was related to a trauma that had happened to him, something you don’t find out about until close to the end. It was weird. I was caught off guard; I’d had a pre-reading critique by someone who is experienced at these matters. He said there could have been a bit more foreshadowing, but in the end he got what I was trying to do.

Hm.

I haven’t made any music since February, but I have thought about music a lot. It’s time to get back on the horse – I am ready to start working on another album. I’m scribbling notes here and there, setting up parameters, jotting down key adjectives, coming up with a list of touchstone songs that might help me guide the process a bit. I’d also like to incorporate visuals somehow. Which visuals? Dunno yet.

What else?

There’s a ton of stuff due (TAXES!), but I’m feeling great about everything. Which is odd. Tomorrow night there’s a hang with the girls that I’m very much looking forward to.

Got a new hairdo; still getting used to it, but it looks good. I think.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
j.

Story?

2009-03-05T23:21:00.004-05:00

Okay, it's taken me a bit to get the motor running again post-FAWM.

I missed my writing class deadline for my booth story, which was yesterday. Bad form. Ultra, mega bad form. Now I'm going to have to email my classmates a story and have them print it out. Which is not really part of the rules of engagement.

Sorry classmates.

The good news is, I finally have a story to send them. Or, the inklings of a story. I am another couple of hours away from a first draft. I have 3200 words of one, with a few holes to be filled in. Thank god for FAWM, because I stole the plot from a guy's FAWM song. Or, I started with that, at least.

The story is not extra good. I hope, at least, it's interesting. There's a lot of revision to do before it's readable, but, I'm ready to print this sucker out and get to revising.

I have spent all day at the computer. I have been listening to some of my favorite authors talk about their work, George Saunders (who is a badass), and my beloved, deceased David Foster Wallace. I hope his soul is at peace now, as corny as that sounds. I'm listening to him being interviewed, talking about how much the world hurts him. God, it makes me hurt. I am not a maternal soul, but if I could could cradle a soul like that, for just a few minutes....I don't know.

I just...respond to someone in that kind of pain. I know what that pain is about.

Anyhow.

I finally hooked up the printer I had sitting in a box for, oh, a year. So, I can print out my story and start revising. Yay!

Let's do that now.

j.

Marching on.

2009-03-01T12:48:00.002-05:00

I am so far beyond tired, it's amazing that I can hold my head up right now.

I FAWMed out last night, struggling through some late nite vocals to complete my last song. The demo sounds like I was tired. I had all these production ideas that just disappeared in my need to finish and sleep. I feel asleep in the chat room last night, and then woke up this morning to find...March.

Now they're talking about 10 to 14 inches of snow. There are so many other pieces of life I have to pick up now. I'm a little overwhelmed.

I know one thing: I'm not going to listen to myself sing ONE NOTE for at least four days. I am sick of the sound of my own voice.

So, so many loose ends....so, so many.

j.

FAWM - Day 28. The Last Day.

2009-02-28T16:14:00.003-05:00

I tend to speak too soon.

I did in this yesterday's case.

I was frustrated with part one of the sound art (I'm not completely happy calling them "songs") that is going to be the first of my last three FAWM songs. I took a break, went into the chat, listened to cool Ben Nolan's podcast. Even called in and chatted with amazing FAWM champion Nancy Rost. That set me right. I went back to the track, added a few blips and bleeps, and suddenly there's a complete composition there.

And, Phil Norman did some great audio as my Dr. Shock Therapy in part two. I'm listening through to a preliminary versions now. The sample was *way* too overdriven and loud, I was troubleshooting with The Cow Exchange. He tried to explain a few things about mixing and mastering, almost none of which I have the knowledge to use well.

Hm. It makes me really want to learn to use my equipment.

So. Last night/this morning, I started assembling the third part of the trilogy. It's mostly one funky bass line, continuous all the way through the song. I lucked out with Drums on Demand, and found the *perfect* drummerly bits. It's probably the funkiest music I've ever made. I need a keyboard horn line, and perhaps some electric guitar strumming during the choruses.

After getting home from work at 9pm tonight, I'll finish assembling, throw down some vocals over it, and that will be FAWM 2009. Yay.

(I contemplated doing a track that was all three songs with transitions in between, but I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Especially with all the writing I have to do for class.)

For some reason, Charlie Cheney's show didn't happen today. It made me sad; it's the last day of summer camp anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do without all those folks as a part of my daily world. That community is so full of love.

j.

FAWM - Day 27. 3pm.

2009-02-27T15:04:00.003-05:00

*sigh*

You know how when stuff isn't working out like you wanted it to?

I've started song #1 of my "play," and it's sounding nowhere near as cool as I wanted it to. There's the bassline loop, the main vocal....I don't know. It needs a lot of programming, a lot of...something. I don't know what. This is not cool or interesting.

*sigh* I want to go bury my head in some pillows for a week.

It's 3pm and I barely know what to do with myself. I am utterly uninspired to finish this.

j.

FAWM - Day 26.

2009-02-26T23:53:00.003-05:00

Quickly:

Last few minutes of Day 26.
Recorded two songs.
Nancy Rost did THE BUSINESS with my jazz track. It's beautiful.
Burt Meyers is creating an almost folky version of the same song.
Rock opera next.
Why does everyone want to collab NOW?!
(as opposed to, say, earlier in the month?!)
I'm going to see if I can get Phil Norman to be the doctor who gives me electro shock therapy.
TONS AND TONS of work due next week for writing class.
When am I going to do it all?
Dunno.
First - Finish Fawm.

j.

FAWM - Day 25.

2009-02-25T06:10:00.003-05:00

Ack.

As I seem to recall, I got a little sloppy toward the end of last year's FAWM too, regarding checking in. How is it that I've missed *TWO* days of check ins?

Well, I spent Monday night pretending to be an R&B pop star based on a challenge from Scott McBride. I made up a ridiculously funny bio to go with it. That was fun, but exhausting. I was up till 4 in the morning, and hit the bed immediately on Tuesday after working all day. Yeesh.

I'm behind. I'm so, so, very behind.

But, this is the weekend, and I'm keen to catch up.

As of now (6:30am), I am nothing like ready for class today. I have a mess of reading to do, and I'm going to ask teacher if I can submit the writing assignment to her via email this Saturday (Sunday might be a better bet).

And! Gasp! I have a booth due next week! Okay, that's crazy. Where is the time going?

Must finish FAWM first. Six songs to go.

I can do it!

j.

FAWM - Day 22.

2009-02-22T23:07:00.003-05:00

Today. Was interesting.

Music made me very happy today.

I started off with Siouxsie; I've been listening, gearing up to add Siouxsie-like vocals to a track from Dan Wallbank. I haven't heard Kiss Them For Me, Peekaboo, Shadowtime and Killing Jar for *ages*; those songs make me happier than I realized. Listening to Shadowtime, my heart starts to ache and yearn, my skin started to tingle at the joy of a pop song, well sung.

I got to work and wanted more; thank god A. had his ipod with all my requireds: Kate Bush, Linda Lewis, Tori. I've resisted and resisted, but I need to get one of those things, post haste. I'm having musical whims again, and it would be nice to have my whole CD collection in one place, so that I may indulge them.

Finished the song with Errol, he posted it. Six more to go.

I did less work today than I probably should have. A. also had my albums on his ipod, and god, my second record sounds *good* on that thing. Better than I ever heard it.

It's nearly midnight. I'm feeling like there's something musical I can do before bed.

Hm,
j.

FAWM - Day 21.

2009-02-21T19:30:00.002-05:00

Oops. Got sucked into a vortex there and missed a day. *Hate* it when that happens.

I posted two new songs a day ago. Which brings my total up to seven.

That means there's seven more songs to finish. In a week.

I had a mini panic attack in the chatroom yesterday when I realized this, and got some MusicEnergy from some considerate FAWMers.

Had a lovely lunch with Charlie Cheney at Penn Station a couple of days ago, as well. He's a terrific fellow. I'm not sure what I'm going to do without his radio show to tune in to every night.

Okay, so, I'm developing a plan for finishing.

The latest is that I've conceived of a three-song-three-act "play" of sorts. I was calling it a rock opera before, but that's not exactly accurate. It's just a continuous story, over three songs. I was messing around on the Acid Loop site after Burr posted the link for the 8 pack, and I found quite a few things that inspired me on this idea. The main loop for each of the "acts" is chosen already, the lyrics are about 90% finished for each of the song. The idea (Julia, listen hard) is to keep the music tracks simple, and to go heavy on the vocals and sonic atmosphere. Or maybe, not even, depending upon how much time I have left.

I have a collab with Errol and with Dan Wallbank on the horizon as well. And then, there are a couple of songs in my back pocket, pieces from the archive that are waiting to be fleshed out. There's a piano song, that would really love a jazz player, but there are none living in my apartment, currently. I will have to play my simple chords all on my lonesome. Hm.

So. What else?

Dunno. I spent all yesterday in the same position, almost, bent over in song. My ideas overwhelm me sometimes; it's hard to know how to get them all achieved.

I'm giving up on the monster song. By the way, I was totally being a drama queen - there are only about thirty tracks. But, when I opened the file again to open it, about 8 vocal tracks were missing! And what I heard wasn't sounding as good as I remembered.

I'm happy to shelve it. There are other ideas waiting.

j.

FAWM - Day 19. Sigh.

2009-02-19T09:38:00.005-05:00

*sigh*

I was up until 4am. The song that I wanted to start and finish never got off the ground. And to be honest, I can't tell you why. Nothing I was doing was working. It was supposed to be a simple little electronic tune that I would bolster with some electric guitars. But, no part I put down worked, Nothing. Nada.

At 4:30 in the morning I turned it all off and went to sleep. I don't think I've ever had a song fail so spectacularly.

And here we are.

I rush out to meet Charlie at noon or thereabouts. I have a couple of songs I'd like to finish today. But my little music heart is so beat up from last night. Let's see what happens.

j.

FAWM - Day 18.

2009-02-18T23:29:00.005-05:00

Wow. It's 11:30 at the end of a pretty good day.

Read my 500 word assignment out today in class. Teacher laughed out loud in some parts. She said it was good, but warned me about making a character in a story all repulsive, with no redeeming features whatsoever.

I'm afraid that I ramble when giving critiques. I will try to make next week's critique a little more concise.

All that's left to make the day PERFECT is for me to do up these two new songs I'm conceiving, and to mix the 50 track monster. I spent many potentially productive hours in the chatroom. I love FAWMers, I love chatting with them. I'm not spilling any beans now, but I will say there are some very interesting collaborations in the works.

I always feel like such an adult when I buy things at the store BEFORE I've officially run out of them. It makes me feel like I'm taking care of my own needs in a sharp and timely fashion. Today I bought mushrooms, two packs, while I still had the remainder of a pack of mushrooms still in the fridge. So when I had mushrooms with my turkey burger and used up the pack, I didn't sweat it.

I did forget to buy hummus, though. Which means I will have to go to the store tomorrow. Else, what am I going to do with all this raw cauliflower?

I am having lunch with Charlie Cheney tomorrow, who is slumming it in New York after spending a few days with Bryan Thomas in Albany. Whee!

j.

FAWM - Day 17.

2009-02-17T23:48:00.003-05:00

Oh my god.

I am drained at the end of another workweek. My co-workers were FLIPPING OUT today over missed deadlines, botched instructions, etc., and I was right as rain when I walked in, but absorbed all their poisonous energy to the point where I sat in my chair clicking a mouse for four hours straight and now am a slave to run on sentences...

Work *sucked* today.

But, now I'm free. I spent a few hours hanging out in the FAWM chatroom, listening to Charlie's show. Is it sad that I feel good doing all that virtual hanging?

Class tomorrow. I haven't done the 500 word writing yet, but I've done all the reading. I need to make some music. Three songs tomorrow? I can try for that. There are a couple of potential collabs on the horizon, I'm sure I can do them up quickly, if I put my mind to it.

I'm just always feeling like I'm needing sleep.

I'm going to mix my 50-track-neil-gaiman inspired song tomorrow. And do two more. Which ones?

Please, julia, make them simple. Don't get all crazy with the trackage, just do the do. You still have nine songs to do....

(that was me talking to myself. Imploring, begging myself.)

What else?

Nothing?

Okay. G'night.

j.

FAWM - Day 16.

2009-02-16T12:36:00.004-05:00

It's 1:30pm.

I'm at work, working, feeling like I want to rip something up.

Another low-key evening last night, not working on music.

I feel the pressure building up again for Wednesday, two stories from classmembers to critique, a reading, and a 500 word writing. Plus, I feel the need to start my Booth story for the second week of March, already. I want it to be FRIGGIN' FABULOUS. That's what I want. Which means at least a week of constant edits. And probably a lifetime of constant edits after that.

I will not let myself get away from music tonight. I need to post songs, SONGS, and so the neil gaiman inspired one will have to be mixed and posted tonight. I probably need to do something simple and acoustic right away, just to right my brain again after all that electronic stuff. I'd also like to revise that other song, maybe re-sing the vocal. I didn't really do it justice.

And then, there's EIGHT more.

So...much...to....do....

I'm bringing my expectations WAY down at this point. I just have to shut the murky feeling monster up and produce, produce, produce.

If you have any ideas for a brilliant piece of fiction I can write, please let me know.

j.

FAWM - Day 15.

2009-02-15T23:39:00.004-05:00

Today at work I felt my soul being sucked away, little by little.

I thought about music and listened, a little, to more of the great songs that people have been posting on the FAWM board.

My neil gaiman-inspired song is still waiting in the computer for me, all 50+ tracks of it. I don't know why I'm so afraid of it, or maybe I'm just tired at it. The idea of making sense of all that noise does not feel appealing to me right now.

I'm a little tired of my songs and myself, none of it feels new and exciting enough to bring it to life. This is not a good time to crap out; there are still nine songs to go.

*sigh*

I'm going to go back and make edits to one of the last songs I posted; I think I need to try to make more sense of the dissonance. Now it just sounds like mush.

Spent a lot of time reading today; a process book by Bret Antony Johnson. It's filled with exercises, but not really good at bringing any clarity around the elements of story. I was thinking hard today about the next story I'm going to submit for Booth. Can you plan complexity? I'd like my story to have some complexity. Without...existing yet.

Hm.

j.

FAWM - Day 14.

2009-02-14T12:19:00.002-05:00

Gnn.

I am at work. I am frustrated and annoyed. They just upgraded my computer to Vista, AND changed our whole system for logging in and tracking jobs. It's friggin' doing my head in.

FAWM party was yesterday. Couldn't stay long, but got to say hello to the Upper West Side and some fabulously talented people.

I spent yesterday screwing around with Drums on Demand, trying to create a suitable drum bed for a wonky song of mine. Created the track, but someone on the board told me there were too many cymbals. And the vocal sux. Might redo those.

There's another song, the Neil Gaiman inspired track, that I recorded and sung two days ago, but I can't get near it because there are now fifty tracks that I have to somehow put in order. I get tired just thinking about it.

I'm kinda excited about the idea of getting caught up, though. If I conceive of a simple guitar song, and mix that Gaiman monster, then I'll be on track.

The wackily talented Errol sent me some lyrics and a piano figure to work on, and a new track maybe coming in from Dan Wallbank.

Fun times!

j.

FAWM - Day 13.

2009-02-13T00:03:00.004-05:00

Drat. I could have sent a Day 12 post a few minutes ago.

*sigh*

Well.

I've been working all day on the sexiest track I've ever created. There is deep, deep groove here, I don't even know how it happened.

This song has been kicking around in pieces for a few years, I guess. It's inspired by Neil Gaiman's Sandman, kind-of a question to him and an answer all at the same time. There are, seriously, like, 35 tracks total. And now I have to go through and strategically bring them in and out. It's going to take an hour. Or maybe hours.

I announced on Charlie's show tonight that I'm going to post four songs tomorrow. Quite ambitious, perhaps. Ack. But, I've been playing around with these four songs in my head all day. The lyrics are finished, and I know how I'm going to approach the recordings of each. That's half the battle.

What was up with the wind today? I'm so sorry I had to be out in the crap. But, I went to my mailbox and picked up the Shannon Wright record I ordered. She's awesome.

Okay. So. I'm off to see the wizard. Cross your fingers for me.

jul

FAWM - Day 11.

2009-02-11T18:20:00.003-05:00

Things went really well in class today.

The teacher wrote great things about my story, the class had good things to say about it. There was some constructive criticism as well, but the reaction was overall good. In my fashion, though, I concentrate on the one guy who didn't seem so hot on it. Already I'm day dreaming on trashing his story when it's his turn.

But it's all in my mind. At least I know that.

I also imagined to myself that Teacher was patting me on the head, telling me she liked my story when she really didn't. She seemed to have a more positive reaction to the other people's stories, I didn't get an "it's almost there." Well, my story isn't almost there. I know I have to do more digging.

Some people on the FAWM board do this thing called a "feast", in which they burn through an impossible amount of songs in a very short period of time. Currently, the challenge is 14 songs in 72 hours.

My blood responds to challenges, so immediately I start plotting to win. But, I've got a whole list of songs I really want to do well, and suspect that my time may be better spent taking my time for a job well done.

Hm.

I'm about to be Internet-less for 24 hours (turning my work laptop in for a Vista upgrade), and wonder how productive that will make me.

I may or may not check in tomorrow. If I do, I hope to have at least 3 new songs to post.

wml,
j.

FAWM - Day 10.

2009-02-10T09:23:00.003-05:00

Oops! Missed Day 9. See what happens when I take my eyes off the ball?

I was successful at uploading my version of Dan's track. I like the verses, but don't think my chorus is cool enough for Dan's amazing track. It's gotten some positive response, so I guess that's good, and I got to triple track vocals and make big, big harmonies. That was fun.

So, I still have a stack of reading to do for class tomorrow, including a 500 word piece. Yay! Hooray for allnighters, which I will be pulling tonight! Woopee! I'm in high school again!

I have been loving my FAWM. I love all the FAWMers, they're a terrific, talented bunch of people. I was in the chat last night, almost high with the love I was feeling for those people. And I hadn't even had any alcohol. Seriously. I am getting so much pleasure just trolling the boards, reading the forums and listening and commenting on people's songs.

So, here's another crazy push I could make:
I've all but committed to doing a "Feast" on Wednesday through Friday. A "Feast" is a large number of songs written and recording in a short number of time. Tim Wille threw down the gauntlet, to do 14 songs in 72 hours. Which is nuts. But I'm making my lists. I might just try it.

For now, I have to go to work. Ergh.

Not so "gung ho" on work as I am on FAWM, that's for sure.

j.

FAWM - Day 8.

2009-02-08T20:54:00.002-05:00

I wanted "unexpected," and I got it.

Dan Wallbank posted a track, and I'm shaping a lyric to fit it. It might be too late at almost 9pm, but I'm going to try to record it when I get home.

It has lots and lots of vocals. I hope I can sing til midnight or so.

I'm kinda excited!

I might check in later or maybe not, depending on what time I get finished.

Drat - AGAIN I forget to eat dinner! What am I going to do with myself?

j.

FAWM - Day 7. End. Tired.

2009-02-07T23:47:00.002-05:00

I managed to finish a song today.

I thought it was cheesy, and a little too folk pop, but some nice people said some good things, so maybe I'll rethink that.

It started with a guitar part I've been plunking at. My thin body guitar, my "bedroom" guitar, has crud on the strings, but I used that anyway. Had to do four or five complete passes before I got one without an obnoxious amount of string noise.

(Guitarists, if any of you have any tips for lessening string noise, I would be very grateful to know them.)

I thought the guitar was kinda naked, so I added a pad and some plonky piano. It doesn't sound half bad, actually.

I fully planned on starting at least one more tonight, but I laid down, then opened my eyes two hours later, unable to lift my head. I think it was because I hadn't had dinner, and my blood sugar was past bottom. Ack! I got some coffee and a couple of table spoons of peanut butter.

So.

I had the other two songs I wanted to work on, but I kinda want to pull something out of thin air, for my next trick. The one I did today was kinda mellow, I feel like I want another surprise rock song again. I wish I could rap. Oh my god, the boys at the FAWM site can rap. I wish I could do that.

Work tomorrow. And I must start my reading and critiquing for class on Wednesday. There's a LOT to do.

g'night,
j.

FAWM - Day 7. In the Wee Hours....

2009-02-07T02:54:00.002-05:00

It's very nearly 3am on Day 7.

I stayed up to finish a lyric. I've been staring at it obsessively for the past four hours, and I just couldn't go to bed until it was done. Well, it's done. And I plan on recording this song and two others tomorrow. They're all going to be acoustic songs, simple. As quick and dirty as possible. I have some catching up to do.

This is a way cheesy pop song. Ack.

I was on Charlie's online podcast show tonight, sounding like a goofy, giggling sorority girl. I talk way too loud. But, he played my song, and he read out the notes I've been passing around, so I had to call in. Charlie's coming to town next week, can't wait to get together.

I think I may have signed myself up for mini torture next week: 14 songs in 3 days, a gauntlet thrown by Dr. Burr and Tim Wille. Ack! I hope it will serve to focus me. Just have to lower the bar. Even lower than it is now.

j.

FAWM - Day 6. Um....

2009-02-06T15:38:00.003-05:00

...Um.

We're midday here.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. There are about four songs I'm working on at the same time. None of them are particularly interesting, and I know that's not the point, but it's hard keeping that inner buoy up long enough to finish any of them.

Bad news - I am actually working Sunday. So I have today and tomorrow to do as many songs as possible. Hm. I was shooting for another four, but I'm kinda stalling right now. It would be great to finish two or three.

I had a lovely chicken pesto omelette for breakfast this morning. I'm not the best cook, and am mildly suprised when something I make is really good.

My spelling is getting really bad, along with my handwriting. I pulled out some old songwriting journals, the writing is crystal clear. The current journal is much worse. There are things I've written down that I have just not been able to decipher.

Decline? Is it?

(More importantly, is there a song in it?)

4pm. Lunch?

j.

FAWM - Day 5. (or: Now we're cooking with gas.)

2009-02-05T22:58:00.002-05:00

So: Today things went right.

I poked a paper clip in my disc drive until suddenly it popped open. Yay!

So I put in a loop CD and went to work. A few hours later --> track.

First song up at the FAWM site, just a few minutes ago. Something completely new, that did not exist before a few hours ago.

Hm.

To my reader in Switzerland who responded to the last post:
Hi. Nice to meet you.
The sign of your exhaustion at reading my blog was, perhaps, a signal that I'm great at communicating how exhausted I was? I hope it passes, too.

Next: Oh god. Could be anything.

I gave a song today to Nancy Rost, a little jazzy thing. I don't do jazz, usually; Nancy is Jazz queen on the FAWM board. I have high hopes.

j.

FAWM - Day 4.

2009-02-04T19:44:00.003-05:00

I am so tired. It's not even 8pm yet.

I did finish my story. Turns out I was just warming up on it today. There were a couple of last minute things that came out today that really would have been a basis for improving things if I had thought of them, say, three days ago.

I finished the story, literally, an hour and half before class. I didn't even have a final read through, and there were typos and errors. Not a lot. But a few. That's what happens when you don't have that last look through. I am really embarrassed.

And deflated. I have been reading through the two other stories for Booth next week, and they are really, really good. Complex, layered, lots of action going on (not a lot happens in my story). I have a feeling I'm going to get slaughtered next week.

I will be a brave girl, though. Because that's what I am.

I can't think about FAWMing tonight. I just want some rest.

j.

Ack!

2009-02-04T10:42:00.002-05:00

My writing project is due at 2pm.

It's 10:42am, and I have about 1 and 1/4 pages of readable text.

We're hitting eleventh hour here, considering I've still got to get this thing printed.

Okay. It's rock and roll time.

j.

FAWM - Day 3.

2009-02-03T23:12:00.002-05:00

Well.

I got a few pennies from heaven in the form of five days straight of not working - some crazy upgrade means that no one can be on their computers this weekend. I decided to take a day off.

There is the not-so-small matter of my story for Booth, which is due tomorrow (I actually get to hear what people think about it in next week's class). I'm nearly proud to say that I'm about two hours of concentrated work away from a bad first draft. I managed to put the pieces in some kind of order while at work today. Now I have to read it through and fill in the holes.

Why am I trepidatious about doing this?

I hate, hate, hate turning in bad writing. But, that's why I signed up, I guess.

But, I turn this puppy in, and I'm not in the Booth again until one month from now, 3/11. That means I can focus on FAWM.

Again I fight the nasty feelings around demoing mediocre songs. But, that's why I signed up, I guess.

It snowed today. It coated everything just long enough for me to get a glimpse of the whitened wreckage outside the World Financial Center. Did a two and a half hour pre training training session that made me want to stick an ice pick in my eye.

Feels good to know that I can hole up at home for a few days.

j.