FAWM. Day 24. Preamble.

It's 5am.

I am too restless to sleep. Too groggy to get up and do something.

Listening to hysterical British women in a BBC drama.

There was a battle at a mill!

And an envoy with a note at the door...

A good friend of mine is completing her first album project. I am so, so proud of her.

So, so proud.

FAWM. Day 23. Unhemmed.

Somehow, I am at work.

This time yesterday I was not expecting to be here.

I am sleep deprived. It's way past lunch time and I am nothing like hungry; it's weird when I don't want to eat food.

Last night I called in to the radio show and spoke with Errol. There are people like warm summer breezes, and then there's Errol. It's amazing to me that I've never *actually* met him.

Listened to my FAWM 08 stuff. 2008 was a great year, a fun year. I wrote some of my favorite FAWM songs ever that year, even though I barely knew how to use my equipment. Other songs I had no memory of writing or recording, some of that stuff came off surprisingly well.

Talked to a friend yesterday for the first time in *ages*. Did me good.

I think I'm finally ready to get out of the strange little boat I've been in, on the choppy seas of Trying To Figure Out People and Things That Don't Want To Be Figured Out. Got shit to do. Those who want to be around, will be around. And those who don't want to be around can Fuck. Right. Off.

I got a wonderful note from a major-writer-author-woman. A Badass. I wrote her so long ago I had forgotten about it. Among other things, she said to me:

Think big, and don't let the world hem you in. If you can make it work, then it will work!

Yes.
Thank you.
Message received.

Maybe some collabs in these last few days?

Right now I'm feeling that FAWM is a lovely gift from the universe.

FAWM. Day 22. All Nighter.

I pulled my first allnighter last night for FAWM. Track #7 took way longer than I wanted or expected it to. I blame Drums on Demand. I found the perfect group of samples and then used, like, ten of them, wanting the tension to build all the way through. I even played fake bass. There are definitely some wrong notes in there.

But when you have drums, bass feels good.

It's still a weird time. I will, at intervals, make a decision to snap out of it, but bad news keeps *finding* me, in the most unexpected places.

Finished the track around 7am, but couldn't sleep in this morning. Had to go to the city and fill out a timesheet for work. I sat in a cafe and had lunch. Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" played over the loudspeaker and I wept into a tuna sandwich.

Fuck, I love music.

And, Holy Shit, February's almost over!

Better put some speed on. I WILL get to fourteen.

FAWM. Day 21. Broken heart? Check.

I have written a song that breaks my own heart a bit.

I don't think this has ever happened before.

This is not to say that it will break anybody else's heart. Or even that it's worthy of being heard by anyone else.

This is just to say that it made me sad. I'm not sure that I've ever made myself sad before, even with all the tragic little dirges I've written up until this point.

Seemed a moment worthy of marking, somehow.

Hm.

FAWM. Day 20. Some Observations.

For me, there is such a thing called "song readiness."

I am suddenly song-ready. Like, all the time. I am ready to put pieces together and see connections that I didn't see a minute ago. At some point, I was just song-ready all the time, and then I was not, and now I am again.

If I stay like this for a month or so, I might be ready to do some truly deep work.

There are lots of angels in my songs this year. Angels running and hiding. Angels lurking. I am not a religious person. But I'm thinking a lot about all the stuff bearing down on me that I can't see.

There are a few things I listed as goals that I probably won't get to (songskirmishes - I'm not sure what I could do with the titles that have already been offered up; last year's songs). Will try not to stress myself out about it. Will just try to get to 14.

I keep forgetting to eat dinner and pay bills (song-readiness might be to blame; I'm spending a lot of time tinkering with lyrics). MENBAH!'s songs are ripping me apart. A leetle too close to home right now, his stuff is. It's slightly agonizing. And amazing that it can even happen at all. He's good, that MENBAH!.

I think I just wrote a song called Turpentine.

FAWM. Day 18. Step back!

Woah, step back!

I am in the midst of making every cheesy musical impulse I've ever had into actuality!

I-IV-vi-V is next.

February's going to end in some horrible train wreck, I know it.

FAWM. Day 17.

Do you ever have one of those days
when you're not satisfied
with anything?

I'm having one of those days.
It will pass, perhaps.

FAWM. Day 16. Ghosts.

Doing vocals right now.

There's one little part that has an unbelievable 30 tracks in it. Crazy.

Looking to get that one and another simpler one done tonight.

Hm...

FAWM. Day 15. Vortex.

Oof. Fell right into the vortex there. Mm hm, the void.

So, I have four songs I could finish for FAWM right now at this very moment, if I weren't at work. But they're all about emotionally turbulent spaces. I'm irritated that these songs are reflecting exactly how I'm feeling right now. Why say what's so friggin' obvious?

I'm boring myself, is what it is.

Valentine's Day: Hm. It's over, at least there's that. I stayed quiet and kept my hands still. Mostly.

I spent yesterday polishing the beginning of a new short story I've been struggling with. I can't tell if I'm making it better. Had a GREAT meeting with my fiction critique group last Saturday; I wasn't even being critiqued. They are a smart, sensitive group of people. There was one guy in particular who took me aside to give feedback on the story I submitted a month ago. He said the story is a draft or two from being publishable and that he's going to bother me about it until I start sending it out.

I'm not sure he's right, but it was really nice to hear that depth of feeling and level of belief in my work. And I'd forgotten that the point was to send stuff out. That is the point.

Does anyone else think it's not right for Columbia to charge a fee to submit a Financial Aid application?

(Not that Columbia has accepted me yet...)

Motivation=flagging. Big time.

Perhaps a falafel sandwich will fix everything. I'm off to get one.

FAWM. Day 9.

Today was difficult in ways I can't even describe to you.

Going to sleep. Will try it all again tomorrow.