NaNo - Day 10. I'm *tired* of being fucking invisible.

Your life is your art. And your art is your life, isn't it?

I believe that.

I think this is true no matter how deeply you create. Even if you try not to create deeply, even if you try to lie about yourself with your art, your art *still* exposes the heart of you: a person who needs to lie is telling a lie to the world, and therefore being what he is.

It's weird what's on my mind right now, because it's silly. It's silly and completely random and completely unintentional, but this latest thing is the last in the series of events like it that have ripped through my heart and put a damper on my days. It speaks to the core of all the blocks I've ever felt as a creator. And the thing is this:

Sometimes, I feel like I'm invisible.

Have you ever had that feeling, when you're saying hello, being friendly, asking for help, and getting hardly anything back in response?

It's painful.

It's painful when you scream, scream and shout to the world, or you try to say something to a group of people, or you try to ask for help, and they ignore you (all the while being friendly enough with each other).

It makes you wonder what your words are worth. It makes you wonder why you make the effort.

That's what's going on with my main character as well. He's ignored, marginalized, set to the side. And, this poor boy, he finds his only power in the world by doing something heinous. I have no plans to do anything that heinous, but I understand where the need comes from. And I have to tell this poor boy's story because no one else is listening.

So I say to the world, though it may not be listening: I'm *tired* of being fucking invisible.

Therapy session over.

I've only done a measly 564 words on my novel today. I've been in meetings all day and will be out most of the night. The Workweek begins tomorrow.

But...

I met with my producers (and they are now, officially, my producers) on my record today and it's happening, folks. It's happening. I've asked the officials on the NaNoBoard if it's legal to write a second story loosely based on the first (if each is 50,000 words).

We'll see what they say.


jules