FAWM. Day 28. Still One More.

Have been working on a song all day.

Still not finished.

Am exhausted.

Skirmish in 7 min.

Hopefully that will do it, can finish the other thing later.

Am waking up from a nap, having trouble putting subjects in my sentences.

Hopefully my next note will be that I'm done...

FAWM. Day 28. One More.

One more.

I'm headed to bed at nearly 4am on the day.

One more song left.

One.

FAWM. Day 27. Three More.

I'm at 11. Three more.

I'm hungry, but I just ate.

I think my body is balking at the effort that this evening will require.

I have been in worse positions, though.

Perhaps more caffeine is required.

Spent some quality time in the chat room this afternoon. I should have done more of that this month.

Okay, enough stalling. Off I go.

FAWM. Day 27. SO MUCH to do today.

It's just gone 10am here.

Just made myself a healthy breakfast. SO much to do today.

Five songs left. TWO collabs in the works.

I'll check in later. Want to achieve a few things before the songskirmish. It was my goal to do two, I suppose I should get at least one in. I haven't traditionally been good at doing things in a short amount of time.

Bringing it on home.

FAWM. Day 26. Technical Difficulties.

Last night I was beset by technical difficulties that prevented me from finishing the song I was working on.

A friend tried to help me out. My poor friend. I send him tracks and am constantly exposing the "not rightness" of my recording methods.

(At least I'm using the colors now, friend. I learned from the last time you had to help me.)

Anyway, he pointed out a few things and now things seem to be okay.

No sleep until I'm done with the next four.

FAWM. Day 25. Strong Words. Weak Words.

Today is a day when words are flying in out of nowhere to stab me in the spine. Here are just a few.

From Middlemarch:

"Marriage is so unlike everything else.
There’s something awful in the nearness it brings.
Even if we loved someone else better than
Those we were married to
It would be no use.
I know it may be very dear,
But it murders our marriage.
And then our marriage always stays with us
Like a murder.
And we are weak."

From Jonathan Carroll's blog:

CUTTING LOOSE

Sometimes from sorrow, for no reason,
you sing. For no reason, you accept
the way of being lost, cutting loose from all else and electing a world where you go
where you want to.

Arbitrary, sound comes, a reminder
that a steady center is holding
all else. If you listen, that sound will tell where it is, and you can slide your way past trouble.

Certain twisted monsters
always bar the path—but that’s when you get going best, glad to be lost, learning how real it is
here on the earth, again and again.

~William Stafford

(I don't know *where* Jonathan Carroll finds his gems; at least twice a month I find myself sobbing from the beauty of the things he posts.)

These beautiful words make me sad that I'm going to have to say "okay" to some weak lyrics. There are only a few days left to FAWM, and I'm going to have to start finishing, no matter how unhappy I am with the words.

Breathe in, breathe out. Get on with it.

I got rejected today. It's a little twinge, not a big one.

There are still many, many things to be done. Going to practice saying hello to strangers.

FAWM. Day 24. Crap.

Argh.

Drat.

Frig.

There's this one song, see. I have two verses that I'm really happy with. But it needs a prechorus/chorusy refrainy bit. Something to tie it all together.

I was most worried about getting the percussion right (this song is closely modeled on another that has SLAMMIN' percussion). After three hours tinkering around with drums, the percussion is just about there.

Now I just need a *song* now to sing over it.

This is so frustrating.

There are still SEVEN to go!!!!

And I might be called in to work tomorrow.

Today it started to bother me that I haven't written a strummy song at all this year. I don't write strummy songs usually, I must admit. I get a little strummy song envy when I hear people's well-executed strummy songs.

Walked around all day with words written on my arm, a particularly insightful piece of criticism posted on the boards that I wanted to have with me at all times. I wrote it in Sharpie over most of my forearm.

Heh heh, work will be interesting tomorrow.

FAWM. Day 24. Preamble.

It's 5am.

I am too restless to sleep. Too groggy to get up and do something.

Listening to hysterical British women in a BBC drama.

There was a battle at a mill!

And an envoy with a note at the door...

A good friend of mine is completing her first album project. I am so, so proud of her.

So, so proud.

FAWM. Day 23. Unhemmed.

Somehow, I am at work.

This time yesterday I was not expecting to be here.

I am sleep deprived. It's way past lunch time and I am nothing like hungry; it's weird when I don't want to eat food.

Last night I called in to the radio show and spoke with Errol. There are people like warm summer breezes, and then there's Errol. It's amazing to me that I've never *actually* met him.

Listened to my FAWM 08 stuff. 2008 was a great year, a fun year. I wrote some of my favorite FAWM songs ever that year, even though I barely knew how to use my equipment. Other songs I had no memory of writing or recording, some of that stuff came off surprisingly well.

Talked to a friend yesterday for the first time in *ages*. Did me good.

I think I'm finally ready to get out of the strange little boat I've been in, on the choppy seas of Trying To Figure Out People and Things That Don't Want To Be Figured Out. Got shit to do. Those who want to be around, will be around. And those who don't want to be around can Fuck. Right. Off.

I got a wonderful note from a major-writer-author-woman. A Badass. I wrote her so long ago I had forgotten about it. Among other things, she said to me:

Think big, and don't let the world hem you in. If you can make it work, then it will work!

Yes.
Thank you.
Message received.

Maybe some collabs in these last few days?

Right now I'm feeling that FAWM is a lovely gift from the universe.

FAWM. Day 22. All Nighter.

I pulled my first allnighter last night for FAWM. Track #7 took way longer than I wanted or expected it to. I blame Drums on Demand. I found the perfect group of samples and then used, like, ten of them, wanting the tension to build all the way through. I even played fake bass. There are definitely some wrong notes in there.

But when you have drums, bass feels good.

It's still a weird time. I will, at intervals, make a decision to snap out of it, but bad news keeps *finding* me, in the most unexpected places.

Finished the track around 7am, but couldn't sleep in this morning. Had to go to the city and fill out a timesheet for work. I sat in a cafe and had lunch. Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" played over the loudspeaker and I wept into a tuna sandwich.

Fuck, I love music.

And, Holy Shit, February's almost over!

Better put some speed on. I WILL get to fourteen.

FAWM. Day 21. Broken heart? Check.

I have written a song that breaks my own heart a bit.

I don't think this has ever happened before.

This is not to say that it will break anybody else's heart. Or even that it's worthy of being heard by anyone else.

This is just to say that it made me sad. I'm not sure that I've ever made myself sad before, even with all the tragic little dirges I've written up until this point.

Seemed a moment worthy of marking, somehow.

Hm.

FAWM. Day 20. Some Observations.

For me, there is such a thing called "song readiness."

I am suddenly song-ready. Like, all the time. I am ready to put pieces together and see connections that I didn't see a minute ago. At some point, I was just song-ready all the time, and then I was not, and now I am again.

If I stay like this for a month or so, I might be ready to do some truly deep work.

There are lots of angels in my songs this year. Angels running and hiding. Angels lurking. I am not a religious person. But I'm thinking a lot about all the stuff bearing down on me that I can't see.

There are a few things I listed as goals that I probably won't get to (songskirmishes - I'm not sure what I could do with the titles that have already been offered up; last year's songs). Will try not to stress myself out about it. Will just try to get to 14.

I keep forgetting to eat dinner and pay bills (song-readiness might be to blame; I'm spending a lot of time tinkering with lyrics). MENBAH!'s songs are ripping me apart. A leetle too close to home right now, his stuff is. It's slightly agonizing. And amazing that it can even happen at all. He's good, that MENBAH!.

I think I just wrote a song called Turpentine.

FAWM. Day 18. Step back!

Woah, step back!

I am in the midst of making every cheesy musical impulse I've ever had into actuality!

I-IV-vi-V is next.

February's going to end in some horrible train wreck, I know it.

FAWM. Day 17.

Do you ever have one of those days
when you're not satisfied
with anything?

I'm having one of those days.
It will pass, perhaps.

FAWM. Day 16. Ghosts.

Doing vocals right now.

There's one little part that has an unbelievable 30 tracks in it. Crazy.

Looking to get that one and another simpler one done tonight.

Hm...

FAWM. Day 15. Vortex.

Oof. Fell right into the vortex there. Mm hm, the void.

So, I have four songs I could finish for FAWM right now at this very moment, if I weren't at work. But they're all about emotionally turbulent spaces. I'm irritated that these songs are reflecting exactly how I'm feeling right now. Why say what's so friggin' obvious?

I'm boring myself, is what it is.

Valentine's Day: Hm. It's over, at least there's that. I stayed quiet and kept my hands still. Mostly.

I spent yesterday polishing the beginning of a new short story I've been struggling with. I can't tell if I'm making it better. Had a GREAT meeting with my fiction critique group last Saturday; I wasn't even being critiqued. They are a smart, sensitive group of people. There was one guy in particular who took me aside to give feedback on the story I submitted a month ago. He said the story is a draft or two from being publishable and that he's going to bother me about it until I start sending it out.

I'm not sure he's right, but it was really nice to hear that depth of feeling and level of belief in my work. And I'd forgotten that the point was to send stuff out. That is the point.

Does anyone else think it's not right for Columbia to charge a fee to submit a Financial Aid application?

(Not that Columbia has accepted me yet...)

Motivation=flagging. Big time.

Perhaps a falafel sandwich will fix everything. I'm off to get one.

FAWM. Day 9.

Today was difficult in ways I can't even describe to you.

Going to sleep. Will try it all again tomorrow.

FAWM. Day 8. Tummy PTSD.

Food Poisoning episode=over. My poor tummy is going through a bit of PTSD and doesn’t want to consume a lot right now, but there’s no more pain. Thank goodness.

My flash of insight today was that I’m spending too much time trying to finish a lyric that may not come together this month. I have one verse and a chorus, but additional sections aren’t showing themselves readily. I don’t think I know enough about this song yet. Wanted to finish it for the numbers challenge, but it may not happen. So I’m moving on. To a song called Ghosts. I made this decision and my enthusiasm jumped significantly.

I feel bad about not having so much time to listen to other people’s songs.

Jennifer Egan is my new hero.

Today at work was (is) cruddy. Ick.

I’m assuming I’ll get out of here at some point. Want to go home and start on Ghosts.

FAWM. Day 7. Ugh!

Last night, I got food poisoning.

The culprit was a spicy turkey with provolone sandwich from my corner deli. I had had one a couple of days before, and had a little tummy twinge, but didn't put two and two together. Last night, I was full-on SICK, and couldn't get to sleep until 4 o'clock in the morning.

Ergh. Horrible. I was doubled over in pain until about 10 o'clock this morning.

The one good thing about being that ill is that the world feels shining and glorious now; I am appreciating every moment that I don't have stomach pain.

I'm going to think about putting lyrics/loop tracks together for songs 3 and 4, but I plan to mostly spend the day appreciating that I don't have stomach pain.

FAWM. Day 6. Wiped.

I posted my first two FAWM songs.

The finished demo NEVER sounds like it sounds in your head. The disappointment can be dental floss-thin, or chasm-wide.

It's nearing 6 in the evening and I am WIPED OUT. Not sure why, exactly. It might be food-related. As in, I probably should have had lunch a couple of hours ago.

But also, I heard a short story today that knocked me out. The New Yorker has a wonderful series of fiction podcasts, in which an author chooses a story from The New Yorker archives to read and discuss. Today I listened to Jennifer Egan reading Lore Segal's The Reverse Bug. *Killer* story. Great, great stuff.

Even before that, I spent the morning in strange nostalgia for a really specific something.

But you can never go back, can you?

An Aside:
I feel it necessary right now to declare my love for --> TOTO! Yes, that Toto. "I Bless the Rains Down in Africa" Toto. I've kinda been on a Toto kick lately, brought on by Steve Almond's funny reading. He jests, but the song still kicks ass. Was particularly moved by Perpetuum Jazzile's version of the song. By the time the thunder happened, I was thinking, "That's real commitment." I also love the beat boxer playing air drums.

Rosanna has been on a loop in my head. It's quite masterful, for a pop song, and for any kind of song. Two different feel changes (three, if you count the jazzy bit at the end of the video) is pretty rare in mainstream music. Plus, I *so* wanted to be the dancer in that video. Her dress, her 'tude, her shoes - loved every minute of it (apparently, she was in Dirty Dancing and is married to Richard Marx). There are gang members wearing *kerchiefs* in that video.

Those guys are still around. Which amazes me. That's what it is to be a jobbing musician, to just keep going, no matter what. In my YouTubing, I've seen some bad performances of their songs (mental note: it's dangerous to have a super high pitched bit in your songs; there may come a day when you're sick or whatever and can't hit those notes...). But they've kept going. And still sound really good. It's inspiring.

I might get to songing later. Maybe not. Maybe, though. I seem to like to work late at night. My curious, order-imposing brain has declared that I will work in pairs this FAWM, one heavily-layered song and one acoustic song at a time. There is lyric work to do.

Right now I'm off to forage for lunch. Erm, dinner.

FAWM. Day 5. Entering the Trance State.

It's before 10am! Which feels *really* early, for some reason.

Spent yesterday morning polishing off the lyrics for my first two FAWM songs. I can't ever remember poring over FAWM lyrics so methodically; it suits me.

FAWM stuff generally feels "throwaway" to me. I've never written anything during FAWM that I would actually record and put on an album. Songs, even the not-so-good ones, follow me around. They nag at me, until the moment I finish them. It helps to complete all the "almost, but not quite" stuff, just to get it out of my brainspace and let the other stuff emerge.

It felt good to face a lyric for a couple of hours and really stare it down, nuance and finesse it as much as possible, even within its "throwawayness". Made me feel that much better about giving the song life.

Had an errand to run regarding my ex, a last act that I've had on my to-do list for several days. I did it. It's done. Came home and slept for a couple of hours.

I started a track at 8:30 last night. Spent a couple of hours building drums. Had to hurdle over technical difficulty of lack of signal when I plugged in my electric guitar. Somehow, after a half hour, it all magically started working and off I went. Even figured out how to crudely automate volume dips in a track, something I've never done before. It was 3am when I declared the product mostly finished.

There's a thread on the forum that asks the question: Anyone else hate recording? I do. Loathe it. That is, until I actually start doing it. Then, the next thing I know, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and my ears are fried from loud rock music I MADE that DIDN'T EXIST YESTERDAY. There's something to be said for that trance state. That trance state is a true mark of enjoyment, I believe.

Today's question: to skirmish, or not to skirmish?

I may check in again before today's over. I don't know if four songs are realistic by tomorrow night, but I bet I can knock out three...

FAWM. Day 4. Grr.

I *hate* missing a day. Grr.

The good news is I'm not lacking for ideas.

The bad news is I have eighty million song fragments fighting for my attention every minute. I'm completely unsure of what I can bring to fruition in a reasonable amount of time. And I feel a bit like a crazy person. Who sings all the time.

I'm getting to know the full size and shape of my vocal rustiness. Yeesh.

Anyhow, there's the weekend. Time to complete some things. I'm putting this on the table: Four songs by Sunday night.

Yup, I said it.

Fawm. Day 2. Goal Setting.

Another looong work day.

Funny, though, how primed and ready for songwriting I am, even though I haven't written in months. I sit at my desk, listening to guitar bits and scribbling lyrics. My boss caught me deep, deep in songthought today. Hope I didn't sound too irritated when I answered him.

Most years I just write whatever happens, but today I came up with some goals for this FAWM:

1. To simplify. Musically, lyrically, process-wise, all of it. I overthink things, and I need to halt it.

2. Two piano songs. The piano freaks me out. Would like to get over that a bit.

3. To participate in at least two skirmishes, and finish in the allotted time.

4. To write a I - V - vi – IV song.

5. For extra credit, demo the three songs I didn't demo last year.

I have a list of songbits that are screaming for drafts. But, I want to leave my mind open to create completely new things too. In fact, I'd like my first post to be something new and unexpected.

Okay, I'm about to go turn on my stuff, see what still works.

FAWM - Day 1. Day One?!?

Feb One. Here we are.

I haven't changed the strings on my guitar in six months. I have no idea what works and what doesn't.

It will be okay, though. It will all be okay.

I have a few fragments on deck that I will be working up.

Right now I'm sitting at work, the beginning of a loooonnnngggg day, no doubt. Challenging myself to complete a lyric while I'm sitting here.

Oof - already I've got a line.

This might be a good one.