FAWM. Day 17.

Do you ever have one of those days
when you're not satisfied
with anything?

I'm having one of those days.
It will pass, perhaps.

FAWM. Day 16. Ghosts.

Doing vocals right now.

There's one little part that has an unbelievable 30 tracks in it. Crazy.

Looking to get that one and another simpler one done tonight.

Hm...

FAWM. Day 15. Vortex.

Oof. Fell right into the vortex there. Mm hm, the void.

So, I have four songs I could finish for FAWM right now at this very moment, if I weren't at work. But they're all about emotionally turbulent spaces. I'm irritated that these songs are reflecting exactly how I'm feeling right now. Why say what's so friggin' obvious?

I'm boring myself, is what it is.

Valentine's Day: Hm. It's over, at least there's that. I stayed quiet and kept my hands still. Mostly.

I spent yesterday polishing the beginning of a new short story I've been struggling with. I can't tell if I'm making it better. Had a GREAT meeting with my fiction critique group last Saturday; I wasn't even being critiqued. They are a smart, sensitive group of people. There was one guy in particular who took me aside to give feedback on the story I submitted a month ago. He said the story is a draft or two from being publishable and that he's going to bother me about it until I start sending it out.

I'm not sure he's right, but it was really nice to hear that depth of feeling and level of belief in my work. And I'd forgotten that the point was to send stuff out. That is the point.

Does anyone else think it's not right for Columbia to charge a fee to submit a Financial Aid application?

(Not that Columbia has accepted me yet...)

Motivation=flagging. Big time.

Perhaps a falafel sandwich will fix everything. I'm off to get one.

FAWM. Day 9.

Today was difficult in ways I can't even describe to you.

Going to sleep. Will try it all again tomorrow.

FAWM. Day 8. Tummy PTSD.

Food Poisoning episode=over. My poor tummy is going through a bit of PTSD and doesn’t want to consume a lot right now, but there’s no more pain. Thank goodness.

My flash of insight today was that I’m spending too much time trying to finish a lyric that may not come together this month. I have one verse and a chorus, but additional sections aren’t showing themselves readily. I don’t think I know enough about this song yet. Wanted to finish it for the numbers challenge, but it may not happen. So I’m moving on. To a song called Ghosts. I made this decision and my enthusiasm jumped significantly.

I feel bad about not having so much time to listen to other people’s songs.

Jennifer Egan is my new hero.

Today at work was (is) cruddy. Ick.

I’m assuming I’ll get out of here at some point. Want to go home and start on Ghosts.

FAWM. Day 7. Ugh!

Last night, I got food poisoning.

The culprit was a spicy turkey with provolone sandwich from my corner deli. I had had one a couple of days before, and had a little tummy twinge, but didn't put two and two together. Last night, I was full-on SICK, and couldn't get to sleep until 4 o'clock in the morning.

Ergh. Horrible. I was doubled over in pain until about 10 o'clock this morning.

The one good thing about being that ill is that the world feels shining and glorious now; I am appreciating every moment that I don't have stomach pain.

I'm going to think about putting lyrics/loop tracks together for songs 3 and 4, but I plan to mostly spend the day appreciating that I don't have stomach pain.

FAWM. Day 6. Wiped.

I posted my first two FAWM songs.

The finished demo NEVER sounds like it sounds in your head. The disappointment can be dental floss-thin, or chasm-wide.

It's nearing 6 in the evening and I am WIPED OUT. Not sure why, exactly. It might be food-related. As in, I probably should have had lunch a couple of hours ago.

But also, I heard a short story today that knocked me out. The New Yorker has a wonderful series of fiction podcasts, in which an author chooses a story from The New Yorker archives to read and discuss. Today I listened to Jennifer Egan reading Lore Segal's The Reverse Bug. *Killer* story. Great, great stuff.

Even before that, I spent the morning in strange nostalgia for a really specific something.

But you can never go back, can you?

An Aside:
I feel it necessary right now to declare my love for --> TOTO! Yes, that Toto. "I Bless the Rains Down in Africa" Toto. I've kinda been on a Toto kick lately, brought on by Steve Almond's funny reading. He jests, but the song still kicks ass. Was particularly moved by Perpetuum Jazzile's version of the song. By the time the thunder happened, I was thinking, "That's real commitment." I also love the beat boxer playing air drums.

Rosanna has been on a loop in my head. It's quite masterful, for a pop song, and for any kind of song. Two different feel changes (three, if you count the jazzy bit at the end of the video) is pretty rare in mainstream music. Plus, I *so* wanted to be the dancer in that video. Her dress, her 'tude, her shoes - loved every minute of it (apparently, she was in Dirty Dancing and is married to Richard Marx). There are gang members wearing *kerchiefs* in that video.

Those guys are still around. Which amazes me. That's what it is to be a jobbing musician, to just keep going, no matter what. In my YouTubing, I've seen some bad performances of their songs (mental note: it's dangerous to have a super high pitched bit in your songs; there may come a day when you're sick or whatever and can't hit those notes...). But they've kept going. And still sound really good. It's inspiring.

I might get to songing later. Maybe not. Maybe, though. I seem to like to work late at night. My curious, order-imposing brain has declared that I will work in pairs this FAWM, one heavily-layered song and one acoustic song at a time. There is lyric work to do.

Right now I'm off to forage for lunch. Erm, dinner.

FAWM. Day 5. Entering the Trance State.

It's before 10am! Which feels *really* early, for some reason.

Spent yesterday morning polishing off the lyrics for my first two FAWM songs. I can't ever remember poring over FAWM lyrics so methodically; it suits me.

FAWM stuff generally feels "throwaway" to me. I've never written anything during FAWM that I would actually record and put on an album. Songs, even the not-so-good ones, follow me around. They nag at me, until the moment I finish them. It helps to complete all the "almost, but not quite" stuff, just to get it out of my brainspace and let the other stuff emerge.

It felt good to face a lyric for a couple of hours and really stare it down, nuance and finesse it as much as possible, even within its "throwawayness". Made me feel that much better about giving the song life.

Had an errand to run regarding my ex, a last act that I've had on my to-do list for several days. I did it. It's done. Came home and slept for a couple of hours.

I started a track at 8:30 last night. Spent a couple of hours building drums. Had to hurdle over technical difficulty of lack of signal when I plugged in my electric guitar. Somehow, after a half hour, it all magically started working and off I went. Even figured out how to crudely automate volume dips in a track, something I've never done before. It was 3am when I declared the product mostly finished.

There's a thread on the forum that asks the question: Anyone else hate recording? I do. Loathe it. That is, until I actually start doing it. Then, the next thing I know, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and my ears are fried from loud rock music I MADE that DIDN'T EXIST YESTERDAY. There's something to be said for that trance state. That trance state is a true mark of enjoyment, I believe.

Today's question: to skirmish, or not to skirmish?

I may check in again before today's over. I don't know if four songs are realistic by tomorrow night, but I bet I can knock out three...

FAWM. Day 4. Grr.

I *hate* missing a day. Grr.

The good news is I'm not lacking for ideas.

The bad news is I have eighty million song fragments fighting for my attention every minute. I'm completely unsure of what I can bring to fruition in a reasonable amount of time. And I feel a bit like a crazy person. Who sings all the time.

I'm getting to know the full size and shape of my vocal rustiness. Yeesh.

Anyhow, there's the weekend. Time to complete some things. I'm putting this on the table: Four songs by Sunday night.

Yup, I said it.

Fawm. Day 2. Goal Setting.

Another looong work day.

Funny, though, how primed and ready for songwriting I am, even though I haven't written in months. I sit at my desk, listening to guitar bits and scribbling lyrics. My boss caught me deep, deep in songthought today. Hope I didn't sound too irritated when I answered him.

Most years I just write whatever happens, but today I came up with some goals for this FAWM:

1. To simplify. Musically, lyrically, process-wise, all of it. I overthink things, and I need to halt it.

2. Two piano songs. The piano freaks me out. Would like to get over that a bit.

3. To participate in at least two skirmishes, and finish in the allotted time.

4. To write a I - V - vi – IV song.

5. For extra credit, demo the three songs I didn't demo last year.

I have a list of songbits that are screaming for drafts. But, I want to leave my mind open to create completely new things too. In fact, I'd like my first post to be something new and unexpected.

Okay, I'm about to go turn on my stuff, see what still works.