FAWM - Day 5. (or: *Now* we're cooking with gas.)

So: Today things went right.

I poked a paper clip in my disc drive until suddenly it popped open. Yay!

So I put in a loop CD and went to work. A few hours later --> track.

First song up at the FAWM site, just a few minutes ago. Something completely new, that did not exist before a few hours ago.

Hm.

To my reader in Switzerland who responded to the last post:
Hi. Nice to meet you.
The sign of your exhaustion at reading my blog was, perhaps, a signal that I'm great at communicating how exhausted I was? I hope it passes, too.

Next: Oh god. Could be anything.

I gave a song today to Nancy Rost, a little jazzy thing. I don't do jazz, usually; Nancy is Jazz queen on the FAWM board. I have high hopes.

j.

FAWM - Day 4.

I am so tired. It's not even 8pm yet.

I did finish my story. Turns out I was just warming up on it today. There were a couple of last minute things that came out today that really would have been a basis for improving things if I had thought of them, say, three days ago.

I finished the story, literally, an hour and half before class. I didn't even have a final read through, and there were typos and errors. Not a lot. But a few. That's what happens when you don't have that last look through. I am really embarrassed.

And deflated. I have been reading through the two other stories for Booth next week, and they are really, really good. Complex, layered, lots of action going on (not a lot happens in my story). I have a feeling I'm going to get slaughtered next week.

I will be a brave girl, though. Because that's what I am.

I can't think about FAWMing tonight. I just want some rest.

j.

Ack!

My writing project is due at 2pm.

It's 10:42am, and I have about 1 and 1/4 pages of readable text.

We're hitting eleventh hour here, considering I've still got to get this thing printed.

Okay. It's rock and roll time.


j.

FAWM - Day 3.

Well.

I got a few pennies from heaven in the form of five days straight of not working - some crazy upgrade means that no one can be on their computers this weekend. I decided to take a day off.

There is the not-so-small matter of my story for Booth, which is due tomorrow (I actually get to hear what people think about it in next week's class). I'm nearly proud to say that I'm about two hours of concentrated work away from a bad first draft. I managed to put the pieces in some kind of order while at work today. Now I have to read it through and fill in the holes.

Why am I trepidatious about doing this?

I hate, hate, hate turning in bad writing. But, that's why I signed up, I guess.

But, I turn this puppy in, and I'm not in the Booth again until one month from now, 3/11. That means I can focus on FAWM.

Again I fight the nasty feelings around demoing mediocre songs. But, that's why I signed up, I guess.

It snowed today. It coated everything just long enough for me to get a glimpse of the whitened wreckage outside the World Financial Center. Did a two and a half hour pre training training session that made me want to stick an ice pick in my eye.

Feels good to know that I can hole up at home for a few days.

j.

FAWM - Day 2.

Exhausted.

By work. By thinking. By a lot of things.

The songs started today. They began, with their peeking and poking, prodding and picking. Something's brewing. This may be a radical move, but I think my first song for FAWM will be a song loosely based on one of my favorite films, The Wicker Man. Odd. Odd, odd, odd. I don't write songs like this, ever. But maybe that's what I needed, to get out of my own puny little head and focus on a story that's not my own. Give myself a break from myself.

The Wicker Man. Heh, heh. Again I am thinking of M. We watched it together in a little house in London's East End. It's an incredible film. Lots of great music. He made me a copy of his vinyl of the soundtrack and I forgot it, left it at his place. I have half a mind to write him and ask for my copy....We weren't together long, M. and I. But it was quality time. There are quite a few things he shared with me that became mine.

But, back to the present day.

I am a little worried about my story for Wednesday's class. It's still in pieces all over the place. I've made a play at organization and divided it up into six parts, and will work on it one part at a time.

There are some kick ass artists doing FAWM this year. It's the same every year, but man, am I ever reminded what a talented group of folks that is!

I nearly had a fit at work when I thought I'd lost my scarf. My seven foot long magenta scarf that I knitted myself. It wasn't anywhere to be found as I was packing to go home, and it brought me almost to tears. But. I never put it on this morning. And I'm trying to figure out how that's possible.

The world's going crazy, or I am.

j.

FAWM. Day 1.

The key word of the month is - FLOW.

Say it with me....FFFLLLLLOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.

I went home last night from work, late. Intended to pick a loop from one of my loop CDs and build a track, as quickly as possible. Actually forced myself to turn my equipment on, around eleven.

And...my disc drive wouldn't open.

The drive has stuck before, but it would usually open after one or two (or two or three) presses of the button. This time, no dice. Instead of letting the frustration rise, I resisted my impulse to throw the machine out the window, and I just pulled a loop from one of the songs already on my computer. I happened to be a 6/8. I thought, "I can work with that."

Well, turns out, I couldn't. I played electric guitar until about two thirty in the morning, tried three different chord changes on the electric, NOTHING stuck. I can't really force myself to finish something I don't have my heart in. If the words aren't there, it's hard.

I went to bed and woke this morning, got a couple of song ideas on the acoustic, almost as I was heading out the door to get to work. Yes, it is a touch frustrating. But from my FAWM entries on the blog from last year, I didn't post my first song until Day 6 or 7. There's plenty of time yet.

Then there's the story for Booth on Wednesday.

I printed out the fragile remnants of story I've come up with, and started to handwrite the edits. The story is edging its way toward sense, bit by bit. I just want it to make sense, sometime BEFORE I have to hand out fifteen copies of it on Wednesday.

j.

Almost. Almost, almost.

Sorry I freaked out on you yesterday.

I managed to amass 2000 words on the story for Booth, problem is they've spread themselves out over every corner of the room. And over two boroughs. I am at the very height of disorganization with this thing. I need another full day of work on it to make it readable, forget about good.

I've been at work for hours, and I've neglected to do anything, really.

FAWM starts tomorrow, and I do have a goal of posting something on the first day. Having to work all day tomorrow, I'm not sure how that's going to happen. I'm obsessively checking the forums, being as unproductive as I've been at any point.

Must go home and look for my magic wand.

*****

John Martyn died a couple of days ago.

It made me think of M., and days spent lounging and listening to music in Woodford Green. M. was doing some work with Beverly at the time; she had more sad stories to tell about her time with John than happy, it seemed.

M. and I, in bathrobes, watched video of a BBC documentary on John which interspersed older concert footage with current footage of him in a pub somewhere in Scotland. John was fumbling around like Santa Claus on his day off, red and hypertensive, clearly off his face. He was having a good time joshing around, but there was something slightly uncomfortable in the watching.

The concert footage, though, was priceless. He managed to make an electric guitar sing, as easy and as delicately as an acoustic. No small feat.

RIP,
j.

I am suddenly. A mess.

It's amazing how quickly my spirits can deflate.

I spent today futzing. Fritzing. Putzing.

Well, that's not exactly true. I read the story for critique, called "Allegiance". Masterful piece of work that is.

I started writing my story for Booth, and immediately realized there's no way, no how I'm going to do this justice. Like, ten words in, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. The idea is still appealing to me...I just need a way...in. It's funny, how easy it is for me to knock off thousands upon thousands of words during Novel Writing Month. And now that it matters what words I'm putting down, I'm stressing out just reaching 1000 words.

(when the goal is about 3000.)

And it's worse than that - I've neglected laundry, I've neglected shopping.

I even tried writing at songs today, and every little thing I'm hearing sounds boring and trite.

Gnn!

I.
Am.
Nauseous.

What's going to happen?

j.

Today I'm writing. And thinking of Toni.

Alright - time to get back into the daily blogging.

Today, I am doing my writing assignments for class. It's not yet noon, I've got the day ahead of me, and three assignments to complete before I can forget about class for the week and think about FAWM.

This week's lesson was about character. I'm supposed to write a 500 word piece based loosely around an interesting character I know. I'm also supposed to do a practice critique on a reading that we received.

And then, there's the 15 page piece I'm supposed to write to submit next week. Eep!

I have ideas. Dare I say, good ones? Not exactly sure what I'm doing, but here goes.

Also, the more I find out about Toni Morrison, the more I love. How have I lived so long without her?

jul

What am I doing?

Okay.

(Happy 2009 by the way.)

FAWM is here in a few days. I have a moose-load of ideas all queued up and ready for the starter's gun. I'm thinking I want to try to put something up on the first day, even though I'm working that day. Hm.

BUT.

Today I also started my creative writing class. Ten weeks. And, I signed up to have a 15 page story grilled next week.

A story I haven't written yet.

It's going to be an interesting month.

j.